I created SPAM!!!

Ok, Katie, my beloved Freshman resident when I was a Resident Assistant at Pace University (who the heck was insane enough to make ME an RA!), sent me this SPAM email, saying that I must have written it.  The sad thing is, I didn't write it, I CREATED nearly every single item of death and grossness when I was between the ages of 3 and 9.  I am like Al Gore, I created SPAM!!  I have commented within the spam below for your nightmares and for my enjoyment of the reminders of my childhood. 

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.  I actually do not consider them educational, I consider them very dated news.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.  I started doing this when my mom dropped us off each week at the Hawthorne Theater for the Disney movie that cost 75 cents.  The candy and soda was expensive, at least 50 cents each!  I always thought public bathrooms were full of death and disease.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.  Ok, as a kid, I did not know what they were doing.  But again, I considered all hotel rooms grossly filthy.  Now, I DO know what they were doing!!!  EEEWWWWW

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.  Even as a child I thought there was body fluids and such on the bedspread.  It never was allowed to touch my body. 

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs, including feces.  Ok, I admit it, this one I did not know about.  I love lemon in my tea and lime in my beverage.  I will have to scrub the crap out of them now.  or just peel them.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).  I do not care if you pick your nose, I just wash my hands.

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.   Uh, Little Debbie was the name of my cousin who died of leukemia before I was born.  I think of dead babies when I think of Little Debbie, so I could give a crap about trans-fats.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck! Yeah, I think about this when I hold my purse in my teeth as I pee with my butt in the air when I am at the movie theater.  It's just gross.  I don't like to touch anything in there.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.   I have been wary of envelope glue ever since George's fiance died from licking envelopes.  I lick them, and I wait to see if I will die.  So far, I don't think I have.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.  NOW?  I have ALWAYS done that, even when we didn't have pop tops, but the fun things that came off and you could make belts and stuff out of them. Cans are filthy.  I have known that since, what, cans were invented????

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.  this is completely not me.  I have always been able to smell a lie even before the internet.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.  again, it smelled like poo from the first time I received that one.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.  The person who typed this email spelled Saint Teresa's name wrong and is going to Hell for the inaccuracy.  Ido not worry about my soul, I only worry about how bad Hell will be when I die.  I have to go say the Our Father and Hail Mary for the next hour now....

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.  Like I care.  I do not eat KFC.  It's stupid.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.  forget about it.  I use deodorant/antipersperant because I would rather take a chance rather than smell nasty and be all grossly wet in my pits.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.  I hate that I have to forward all chain mail.  But I cannot NOT send it, because I am superstitious and there's no changing that.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.  I drink Diet Coke.  They never said that removes any stains. 

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.  Yeah, my entire life has been avoiding serial killers and madmen attacking at any moment.  I just lock my car door while I am filling the tank.  I kid you not.  I always have.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.  Sorry, snopes.com.  I smelled a rat.  The Dr. Pepper Guy from my childhood would never refuse God.  I'm a Pepper, You're a Pepper, Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?  Be a Pepper, Drink Dr. Pepper.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.  I stopped using Saran Wrap because I am cheap and the food gets too hot that way.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.  I've never really had to worry about that one, I always stood very far away from the microwave while it's running.  DEATH in a box. 

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.  Yeah, as a kid, before AIDS, I figured there were spiders in there.  Or other gross stuff.  I used a pay phone today, forgot my cell.  Cost me a fortune to make a local call.  I did not look for change!!! 

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.  Actually, I avoid malls and high schools because I expect a kid with guns to come in and blow everyone away.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.  I have always suspected the delivery guys, even before Al Quaeda.  They really are......something.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.  Another snopes.com thing, smelled the rat and I like Target too much to not look into it.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan  I just don't anwer the phone because I am having sex with John.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.  Yeah, like I actually bake.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.  OK, I must have been 2 the first time I knew a spider or a snake or the Devil would grab me and suck me into the toilet.  For me, I just can't use a toilet in the dark, even now.  I am not afraid of your toilet, as long as you have electricity.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to gra b my leg.  I think I invented the person under my car thing.  I have checked that since I was 17.  I just wait to bite their finger off if I get the chance.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!  The only problem I had with gas was the sniper issue when I lived in Maryland.  I still flinch when I get gas, waiting for the bullet.

Have a wonderful day...because I never will

Oh, by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[the gene pool could use a little chlorine!]  Is there anything better in life than chlorine and bleach!