the hard part

I am sitting here crying at this moment as my husband sits in the hot tub.  We had a disagreement.  My husband is a very kind, easygoing person who can deal with just about anything.  I cannot.  When someone shoves me verbally (or physically) I shove back twice as hard.  I always win, bitch of words that I am.  But I never win with my husband because he is of a different mind and one much nicer than I can ever become.  I cannot put up with insults and critisism from people who have no right to open their mouths without a comment on their lack of perspecitve.  I have had people tell me I am a horrible mother, that my children are evil, and that I should beat them and then they would behave.  That was all when they were 18 months to 3 years old.  A time when kids are known for being cooperative, right? 

No, I never hit my kids.  Yes, I screamed at them, and still do.  I love them and protect them beyond what is normal, yet I try to let them mature at a normal level with kids in their class.  I know lots of the kids because it really helps to understand your own child.  My parents always let me invite kids over and have parties, and it was the smartest move they ever made.  I had nothing to hide from my parents as long as they accepted my friends.  They were good parents, better than I expected, not as strict as I would be had I been in their place.  My children will not have the choice, but perhaps they will have less conflict in their teenage years.  If they do, well, I will be there for them. 

Once I had kids, there was no choice for me.  It was stay home and care for them no matter what.  I never would have thought that I would love children *my own and others* so much, but life is really really good with kids in it.