How to handle your finances, with some humor

I did not write this, but found it funny and very true. Read it and learn (and laugh)

Do what many of us already did so you can get what we already got.
Posted on September 8, 2009 by Uppity Woman
Ladies and gentlemen who go to work every day, I know you are out there even though there is a bit of an echo when you answer. I want you to know that you are all in luck!
I would like you to know that the President is going to make sure you know how to set up your retirement savings so that you can be comfortable when you are old. Now, the important thing to remember here is you should ignore all the people around you who lost decades worth of savings and are returning to work in their old age. Just remember: It didn’t happen and it won’t happen again, Okay? Good.
In his weekly address, the President has announced an initiative to help educate workers on how to best handle retirement savings.

My retirement savings
Funny, but I seem to recognize this initiative and what he would like you all to do. I believed it the last time this initiative was put in place. The problem is, my savings have been cut into a fraction by the Wall Street bust. In fact, my retirement 401k isn’t worth the powder to blow it up with. And I can’t tell you what a blast it is wondering if the FDIC is really going to insure what money I have left in my “safe” bank. After all, the fact that they are underfunded is just a dumb thing to worry about, right? I’m such a wuss! And a bad sport!
So you all be sure to do what I did, ya hear? That way by the time you hit your fifties, you will have forgotten what happened to the people before you and you too can sit there and watch Goldman Sachs, Wall Street fat cats and manipulators and the Fed reroute your life savings into their buckets. After all, we all know that whatever works well is always repeated. Carry on.
Here are the finer points of the initiative.
Expand opportunities for automatic enrollment in 401(k) and other retirement savings plans,
Make it easier for more than 100 million families to save a portion or all of their tax refunds,
Enable workers to convert their unused vacation or other similar leave into additional retirement savings, and
Help workers and their employers better understand the available options for tax-favored retirement saving through clear, easy-to-understand language.
Super!
Now let’s see, as I recall, millions of people have faithfully invested in their 401ks and other funds for decades, all of which are now in the crapper. As a matter of fact, some retirees have found themselves in poverty after having invested and saved for their future in all these handy-dandy funds for decades. And now, by popular demand, this new initiative will make it easier for the rest of you to get the same hot poker stuck up your asses when you get ready to retire. How cool is that? You can have the privilege of either returning to work in your 70s or losing your home. How cool is that? I love choices and I know you do too. I think this is a good plan.
Carry on.
I do have to give the President some credit though. He added a new opportunity to the old list.
Just think! In addition to saving as much of your earnings as you can for Goldman Sachs, you can also actually increase your savings by giving up all of your vacations. In fact, if you bust your ass and die in a hurry, your heirs can cash in your savings and go through them like shit through a goose, but at least they will get out of your plan before your Goldman Sachs retirement age. Plus the government gets to keep all the Social Security money you paid them, so that a couple of decades later when your wife goes to collect it, it’s not there. But don’t worry! There are lots of IOUs that Congress handed out every time they raided that pot! They promised to pay it back, right? Right?
So don’t forget to give up those vacations, while helping the department of labor pump up their productivity numbers. Wall Street will be most grateful and so will the Federal Reserve and the World Bank. After all, the more you save for them, the more money all those fat cats can steal from you when they cash in again and create the next bust just in time for your retirement. Don’t let the fact that they all know what’s coming and you don’t deter you though, okay?
Come on gang! You don’t need a vacation! The President doesn’t take vacations does he?
Warren Buffet, George Soros, and the rest of the biggies who control the market are going to take really good care of you in a couple of decades just like they took care of your parents and grandparents in the past year. Isn’t it funny how the worse things get for people who saved money, the richer people like this get? What a riot! An astounding coincidence! But they want you to know they care! That’s why they are Democrats. Republican thieves are rude. They stick it to you right in your face. They sneer at you and disdain your very existence. How rude. But Democratic thieves are nice about it and that’s what counts! Instead of telling you to get your old wrinkled retired ass back to work at Walmarts or someplace equally cool, they wait until you come to the realization that you are screwed all by yourself! It’s a much nicer screw job.
But hey, it’s all for a Greater Good, you know?
But don’t stop there. As inflation gets worse every day, you can still invest a lot of money by giving up silly things like food and heat. Come on. Be a sport. Wall Street needs you. There are hundreds of CEOs of gutted companies who are worrying where their next million is going to come from even as we speak. Trust me, you can trust them. And don’t forget to use that credit card too. That’s a big help.
The best part of this initiative is the President is going to make it as easy as possible for you to invest as much money as possible to help the next wave of fat cats who are heavily invested in your “future” rob you blind. Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if he believes in this initiative and its future profits so much that he, congress and all of their friends all invest in the companies who will be offering you savings plans. You know, the ones who take the administrative fees and things?
Together, these steps will expand the range of choices for workers who want to save and will make saving easier for millions of Americans.
Isn’t that nice? He really is such a good Republican Democrat.

Workers enjoying Green Jobs in Potato Field
Now get to work at your new green job that I swear will be available for you, like really really soon. honest. Wall Street CEOs, the Fed, Goldman, et al, and all of their friends are depending on you for their future gains. This past year has been so much fun for them, they don’t want to miss the opportunity to do it again later. Just remember: It’s all tax deferred too. I mean you just can’t beat a deal like that. Tax-deferred savings and you won’t even have to pay those taxes when you lose it all.
Remember now: Planning. It’s very important, you know. Just ask everyone you know who “Planned” their own retirements and got their last financial statements. It’s a blast! And it worked out so well this time, the President wants you to have the same opportunities to lose all of your money as the retirees and near-retirees who came before you had. Seems fair, right?
You should look for the many analysts on Government TV who will advise you of what a good deal this is going to be for you. Don’t forget to listen carefully, mmmmmkay? After all, that’s what the people who got bilked before you did. Me? I should have listened to my mother. She was a Depression baby and she knew shit when she saw it even when somebody tried to shine it. She was a serious businesswoman with common sense, and she didn’t die a pauper, not by a long shot. The philosophy was simple: Don’t Buy What You Can’t Pay For– Always Save But Do It With Brains and Sense— There Is No Such Thing As A Free Lunch — Don’t Let Helpers Help Themselves To Your Money — and What Goes Up Must Come Down.