Everyone says I am doing great

I just wonder how other people do with this operation?  I feel bad for people who have little tolerance for pain, because there's a lot of that going on.  I don't mind it, otherwise I'd ask for stronger meds, but there's always the discomfort.  I have to hold my chest when we are driving over train tracks or bumps in the road, which means I have to be vigilant, which is very hard when you are on drugs.  I am not driving yet, thankfully.  I'd hate to have to explain to a policeman that I crashed into something because I had to hold my boobs instead of steering while going over the bumps!

I am cranky a lot and not very nice sometimes when people call me.  That's a side effect of dealing with the pain, I think.  Last night we had to call the urgent number as I have an infection on one side.  John had to go to a 24 hour Walgreens and get me hideous antibiotics that are strong and nasty.  I started them at 11:30 and have to take 3 pills every 6 hours for a week.  But, the infection seems to have gotten a little better today so it's worth it.  Antibiotics just make me feel ill and REALLY cranky, so I avoid them at all costs. 

I am also still really tired.  John took me to a yard sale that a friend's daughter had, and then we stopped at Lowe's and that wore me out.  In the grocery store, I was practically falling asleep on my feet, and moved quite slowly.  Even John was concerned if I was okay.  We came home after that and I took a nap.  I am feeling like another one, but my meds time is in 30 minutes and I don't want to miss it!! 

The swelling has gone down more on one side than the other (the infected one is still swollen) so I look really weird right now.  I am looking forward to Monday, hoping to get those Doppler wires out of my chest, and I don't know what's down below the tummy tuck line but I feel two wire-like things coming out of me and I have to ask about those too.  There's a lot more to this experience than I should be sharing, but hey, if any woman makes a decision based on my opinions, she's in big trouble unless she's as tough as I am!!! 

Not an interesting entry, but at least it's an entry! 

No, I didn't sleep for a week and a half

Although I might have enjoyed sleeping that long!  I don't recall much from the hospital, mostly the drug pump.  I only had it for 2 days, and it was really nice.  I held it in my hand and am pretty sure I clung to it in my sleep, which lasted 6 minutes.  Then I would wait those 30 seconds, and hit the pump button again, and I would fall asleep.  I was under the impression John visited me a ton of times, but it was really just that I hit the drug pump 5 times for each of his visits and thought it was a new visit every time. 

At least 6 thousand people looked at my chest and touched it and pushed on it to make the doppler change the sound of the flow of blood to the tissue.  Frankly, I did not care.  After the drug pump was a new drug every 2 hours, so I would sleep, wake up, take pills, and sleep for 1 hour and 58 minutes again.  I've been home a week now, and I've slept a lot and done very little else.  I've had lots of visitors because even on drugs, I can sit and talk.  Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if my corpse sits there and talks long after I am gone one day. 

I got the report back from the surgeon who removed my breasts, and they did not find addition cancer outside the areas they'd already identified, so this means no more treatments and I should be done with all but the reconstruction process.  I see the plastic surgeon tomorrow so I will write about that if I can keep my eyes open afterwards. 

My torso feels like someone is crushing it and the skin feels like it's burned.  It's really odd.  I just wait for pill time and forget about it for a while.  My husband would probably have much more interesting things to say about the past week and a half as he has done all the work and put up with all the pain in the butt stuff.  Right now he's at Girl Scout day camp setting up my kitchen, where I will not be teaching this year.  But I have awesome teens running it so I am not worried at all. 

Sorry this is so boring, I really have to get off the drugs and have a beer. ;-)

Operation Cupcake

Tomorrow is the big day, in just hours I will be sleeping for an entire day!  I won't be sleeping much tonight, and I will post when I get home from the hospital, although John will be posting on my FB page as well. 

Is Using Cancer Wrong?

I really need to know if using my condition is wrong.  I don't mean in the way that I am upset and freaking out that I have cancer and so things flip me out uncontrollably.  That would not be using cancer.  I mean actually not being upset that I have cancer, and using it to get what I want from others.  I'll give you an example.  I took my Girl Scouts out for a shopping spree to spend their money, and I accidently used too much money.  So, I get a card in the mail, and I call the number.  Today, I went to the bank and deposited $20 to cover the $5 deficit, and the slip said I was still short like $19.  So I called again, and they said I only had a few days to deposit the money so I got an overdraw fee.  Soooooooo....what to do?  I just blew 20 bucks of my money to cover the GS cost, and now they want more.  It's like throwing money into a black hole.   I was not going to do that.  Thankfully, my voice is completely out of control and so I told the bank lady that I have breast cancer (using the word breast always gets you attention) and that it took me a week to get to the bank because I am at the doctor and trying to function.  I said I didn't think it was fair for me to get this penalty because I've had the account for years and never had a problem.  Well, she bought it and removed the charge.  Whew! 

Is that wrong?

Is it wrong I told all the store managers that I have cancer and want their response NOW for Boy Scout popcorn sales in the fall?  I don't think it's wrong simply because I am telling the truth.  How can that be wrong?  I tell everyone I have cancer.  It's fun.  Some people flinch, some hug me, and everyone is shocked to find out that I am not made of steel and I am destructible.  Considering the fact that I see death around every corner, I would think nobody would be surprised that I am infallible.  My entire life has been about tactical evasion of death. 

It's only 3 weeks until the big operation now.  I get an abdomen scan on the 5th, not sure why but I am sure the plastic surgeon needs it for the removal of tissue.  Now that I am pretty well recovered from the last operation, I am feeling impatient to start the next one.  I do need to exercise again to prepare for it.  I will get into the gross aspects of the next operation soon.  It's really gross.  At least to me!!

Springtime For Hitler In Germany......

That's about how surreal my life can be.  If I didn't know Adolf the Schmuck was dead, I'd expect him to show up with dinner or flowers or just to say hi and chat for a bit.  You know what's really weird about my life right now?  I have no control.  I talk to people, I seek them out, I like them.  I love so many people of so many different lifestyles, religions, incomes, educations, and police records that I can't have a party to invite them all because my friends have never really connected with each other, just with me.  I like people (I just noticed I left race out of that list, but anyone who actually knows me realizes that is because I do not consider race a difference at all), actually I am sure you all know that I love people!  Every person is worth my time, my attention, and someone who might make me laugh, learn something, or any number of options.  There's so much potential in people that I rarely reject the opportunity to chat. 

But, now people are seeking me out.  They are visiting, and sitting down wherever we happen to meet to talk to me and give me way more than a good laugh and a shared opinion.  People are giving my family food to eat so I don't have to cook (and neither does John) and flowers to me which all seem to be bright and happy and not death flowers at all, just power flowers, with the vibrance of life in them and making me realize that maybe some people might like having me around.  I recieved a package from a very special friend from college, with all sorts of fun things in the box with little notes on everything and I went through that numerous times and shared all the comments with my friend Kristie and she just loved it all.  So did I!

People are also hugging me and praying for me and doing all sorts of things that I am not used to.  Brenda (my college roommate, the best roommate EVER) would recall that in college, I was amazed that the people at our local bar (in NYC) actually thought about us when we weren't there.  I am not one to ever really think about others keeping me in mind, and it still blows me away that anyone actually does think about me unless I am right in front of them being a pain in the butt.  It's funny because I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks thinking about all the awesome people I've met in my life, and I must admit I've been spoiled rotten.  My big mouth and demented sense of humor has managed to find me so many fun friends, and my ability to appear normal has found me even more who I am SURE still have the wool pulled over their eyes when it comes to who I really am.  But there are days I think they really do know and don't mind so much.

Heck, even friends I thought I'd lost have reached out with love.  Like unretrievably lost.  And here they are.  So how can I really be sad that I have cancer?  It's not like I think I deserve better, I've been lucky for most of my life.  Sure, I work hard, but I love to work hard with friends and family and physical or mental or emotional labor is always good when you share.    Frankly, I couldn't have it any better in life.  I love my husband and my kids, my ex is a good father and all of our families are great.  My wonderful friends from my past are all within reach with Facebook, and the town I moved to 8 years ago has ended up being filled with kind, sharing, wonderful friends who won't allow John or me to turn down help.  I always thought this town was awesome, but now I am just overwhelmed with the generousity of my friends and acquaintances.  There might be no place like home for Dorothy, but for me, there's no place like Auburn. 

I feel like a total fraud.  I'm almost thankful I have cancer, it almost justifies all the kindness and attention. 

I hate to let so many of you down, so many of you tell me I'm inspiring and strong and other things, but really, I just am an optimist with a sick sense of humor, aren't I?  Yes, yes, I will fight this bastard to the death as I have so many weaker enemies.  And if I come out with a better deal than I had before the cancer, awesome.  If I come out worse for the wear, that's okay too.  I will survive and will deal with it because that's what I do.  Just remember, cancer is not the worst thing if the diagnosis is not really, really bad.  And even if it is really really bad, fight it like it's Adolf Hitler.  Miracles happen and it's fun to fight something that deserves the hate!!!

Long long babble.  Sorry. 

Crazy Daze

Look at how lazy I've become, it's been almost a week since I posted something!  I am SURE you're all dying to know how I am doing!!!  ;-)

It's not looking very good for my voice at this point.  It's still all over the place and I am starting to wonder if it will come back.  The surgeon did not tell me not to talk, and I've been talking a heck of a lot but even after hours of not talking, I sound like Mickey Mouse half the time. 

I am quite sure that if anything is to blame for my continued voice retardation, it is the damn cat.  Bindi, the Jungle Girl.  I'm starting to regret saving her life.  Two days ago, I was sitting here on the couch, innocently playing a game on FB or checking my emails, and I got up to do something that I am quite sure was important.  At least, it was important until I walked across the rug and got something stuck on the bottom of my sneaker.  It is moments like this that I am quite sure God is real and loves me, because He made sure I had sneakers on this time, and He made sure they were cheap ones.  Why, you ask?  Because, I pulled my foot up to come face to face with the bottom of my sneaker, never, ever being prejudiced in my thoughts that it's best to keep your face FAR away from anything that makes you curious.  For example, when one of my girl scouts brought a cute gift bag to our meeting, she came in all smiles and happy and held it out to me.  I opened the bag and stuck my face all the way in the bag and came face to face with a RAT!  A LIVE RAT!  I jumped at least 40 feet and screamed like a lunatic, running around in circles for at least 5 minutes.  It was awful.

So, if I am that freaked out by a clean pet rat, imagine my reaction when I turned up my sneaker and was face to face with the body of a vole with it's guts pouring out of it!!! STUCK to my SHOE!!!  I am quite sure we would have won $10,000 had anyone been there to videotape it.  Sadly, I flipped out and screamed at the top of my teeny, tiny little voice for at least 10 minutes and my son Guy finally heard me squeaking and came out, took the sneaker that I'd already kicked off, and threw it outside for me.  He was my little hero.  I still do not know where the shoe is.  Guy offered to scrape it off and I told him NO, it was damaged goods and I was never wearing them again.  Again, thankfully they were not my expensive sneakers, but my cheapo ones. 

I think I need a rug that is lighter in color and doesn't hide critters.  This is the second time I've stepped on one, the first being a live mouse that SNAPPED, CRACKED AND POPPED when I stepped on it.  I will never eat Rice Crispies again.  It was horrific, and the socks I was wearing were burned within hours of the terror. 

So, I am doing okay, still have spears jamming into my armpits, although way more one than the other side.  The 3 lymph node removal side is the bad one, can't reach in for mail, up for dishes, or out to lower the shower water heat.  Or down on either side.  Or else ZAP!  I feel like Eragon after the Shade injured him.  Crippled instantaneously in a bad moment.  UGH.

So, how's your life going?  Any dead things stuck to your feet????

WOW

I just read that last posting and it is BORING!!!  I could have had such fun with the slashed throat, the kiddie voice, and the Vlad the Impaler ghost spearing my armpits, and what did I say?  NOTHING!!  Sorry, you can tell I am a bit off today!

This is where it gets a bit boring

I am approaching 2 weeks from the last operation, and starting to get bored.  The problem is, if I do too much of anything, I get really tired or I move my arm the wrong way and it feels like someone is jamming a spear into my armpits.  I'm amazed at how much it hurts.  And my chest hurts a lot too, to the point where I am really looking forward to the mastectomy.

I also feel like a fraud since friends are still bringing me food and I just have a horse voice and look okay most of the time.  I've cancelled a few deliveries because we were getting a ton of food, but John is back at work this week and it really is a load off my back to not have to cook dinner.  Tomorrow I plan on shopping for tank tops that are tight enough to wear without a bra (which is quite painful to wear, even a soft sports bra with front attachments), so I will be wiped out after that.

Another interesting thing is that I have to explain my voice for phone calls.  People think I am a kid calling and so I've had to explain repeatedly that I am an adult who just had a throat operation.  Then they're like, "Ohhhhh, okay." and they finally listen to me.  This is why I have my wonderful popcorn kernels for Boy Scouts helping me by delivering my storefront requests!  I also don't want to go in and flash my big scar on my neck, it looks like someone slashed my throat! 

In addition to the good news...

My friend Chris made me a pair of earings from polymer clay (she is very good with clay, she made a whole Finding Nemo set and it looks like she bought it at Disney) that were boobs!!!  I think they are hilarious, and my friend Amy says that you can't tell what they are until you get really close and then it still takes a lot of looking. 

Anyway, Chris sells jewelry online, and at my suggestion she added the earings to her site.  She is donating money to Susan G Komen from them and to be perfectly honest, they really are cute.  PLUS, she named them Mary's Boobs, so you too can own the first piece of jewelry that was ever named after me!!!!  Check it out, I like the stuff she makes that don't have boobs too!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/victoriouscat

GOOD NEWS!

After a sleepless night freaking out because the surgeon did not call me with the report on my lymph nodes and thyroid tumor, I was completely surprised at our appointment today when she said all lymph nodes and the thyroid were all cancer free!!!  This is great because it gives me great odds on not having to have chemo after the mastectomy.  I was all prepared for the mastectomy to be moved up and the reconstruction to be put off for a long time, and it's all good news!!!  YAY! 

So the next operation is July and I am feeling really good about it even though it's a big one.  Have a good weekend!!

Violet Beauregard

Today, I was not good.  I drank 3 cups of decaf coffee, did very little all day, and drank no water.  Who would think it would affect me adversely?  After all, I am well on the path to healing from the operation, it's been a week.  SEVEN DAYS.  So, I finally decide to use the bathroom, and it's GREEN.  That nuclear blue dye is still in my system 7 days later and now I am feeling a bit like Violet Beauregard in Willy Wonka.  She's the one who took the dinner gum and blew up into a big blueberry.  Am I like Violet but blue/green when it's dark, and the nuclear part would be neon so am I now a big neon blue/green stick when I'm sitting in the dark?  Is some girl scout leader going to sneak up on me and hang me from a tree by the outhouse to light the path for her little scouts in the dark?  I am not so sure I like having this in my for so long.  I was so good and drank so much water all week that I cannot believe it's still in there!  It's just wrong!

By the way, I am freaking out because the surgeon did not call me tonight with the results of the biopsies.  I have an appointment in the morning with her and I am now positive that she's got very bad news for me.  I will not sleep well tonight!!!  ARRGHH!

Hit the Wall Today

Today was the first day I did not feel better than the day before.  I was ill and tired all day.  Perhaps this is because I had to give up the codeine today!  I actually didn't have to, but I decided that I could live without the pills during the daytime, so I just stopped.  Have you ever seen Trainspotting?  Excellent movie, but really gross in the drug addiction department.  I have vivid memories of the guy going off heroin:

Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: "I don't feel the sickness yet, but it's in the post. That's for sure. I'm in the junkie limbo at the moment. Too ill to sleep. Too tired to stay awake, but the sickness is on its way. Sweat, chills, nausea. Pain and craving. A need like nothing else I've ever known will soon take hold of me. It's on its way."

I read that and it's a little bit like it in that guy as my body seems to be dying without the codeine.  It certainly is not happy I took it away.  Either that or I have a severe infection and I'll be dead by morning, so let's hope it's the codeine withdrawal. 

Other People's Food

Thanks to my wonderful circle of friends, my family is eating food that they have prepared for us to help us get through the busy days of appointments and surgeries and the recovery time.  Today a new friend brought by stroganoff, which I have never had or made before.  My son is slightly picky, so I thought for sure he would take one look and refuse it, causing issues I didn't want to deal with.  BUT, I opened the pan, and Guy got all excited and said, "It's just like Hamburger Helper!!!" and then he proceeded to chow down on 2 servings!!!  This was very exciting for me because Guy was eating and deemed Stacey's Stroganoff equal to his expectations of Hambuger Helper-Quality food.  It was also very sad for me because I let him buy Hambuger Helper ONCE in the store several years ago, and the darn kid STILL remembers that junk food!!!! 

I also discovered that I like Stroganoff a lot!!!!  But I do NOT like Hamburger Helper!!!

Posture

I guess I should have mentioned that I look like Lurch, Jr. when I walk around.  My neck is bent down and I can't lift my head, and my armpits and chest hurts a lot so I am hunched forward as well.  I am a Lurch Dwarf, or maybe a Lurch Munchkin, since my voice is all wobbly and strange.  Definitely a Lurch in some form, though.

OWWWW!

I hate thinking of titles for these things.  It's not fair to need a title for a paragraph! 

So, hospital yesterday morning, (don't read the next sentence if you are grossed out easily) and they injected nuclear dye into my nipples.  It did not hurt nearly as much as I thought it would, but it really hurts now.  Then they made me walk up and down the hall to get my body to push it out into my lymph nodes, and then I went and lied in pre op for 4 hours, eventually getting a little impatient.  I finally went in around 2 for surgery, and they took out the sentinel lymph nodes under my arms to see if the cancer has spread.  They also removed half of my thyroid, which had a tumor the size of Utah (6 centimeters long!!) and I am really happy about that being gone.  The doctor doesn't think that will be cancerous, but they did find irregular cells in one lymph node and we will find out more about that next week.

Shared my room with a woman who is 41 and had a bilateral mastectomy, and between the two of us, the nurses were coming in the room all night and wondering why we weren't sleeping.  I finally figured out in my stupor how to turn off the light and turn down the TV volume around 2am.  I got out of jail and slept much of today at home, and am in pain but it's nothing compared to the next operation's recovery.  That one's going to suck big time. 

So, I am home, my voice is weak, and I can't lift anything over 5 pounds for a week, over 15 pounds for a month, and I can't vacuum or do any motion like that for about 6 weeks.  YAY!  There's always a silver lining. 

Time for bed!

It's already begun...

Kristi is invading my brain with inappropriate things right before I am to be put on the goofy drugs before they put me to sleep. That's when I say stupid things. Kristi just called me to let me know her husband discovered that hospitals do provide alcoholic beverages when prescribed by the doctor. Now, it's bad enough that I say stupid things before a surgeon sticks a knife in me, but to ask for a Mai Tai is going to be humiliating. Of course, this led to my telling Kristi what I told the doctor when I got an endoscopy and colonoscopy years ago. All drugged up, the doctor tells me she is going to do the endoscopy (you are not quite asleep and not quite awake) and I told the doctor in no uncertain terms "I don't want it in my mouth, stick it in my butt first", to which the doctor replied, "No, we always do the endoscopy first" and I once again insisted I wanted it in the butt first. Thankfully I fell asleep at that point (as far as I know) and woke up saying loudly (I am always loud when on these drugs) "Hey, did you stick it in my butt yet? I don't feel it in there" and my MOM sharply said "Mary! SHUT UP! It's all done!" Then I came to my senses, as always when mom is hugely embarassed, and asked for some food.

Now that all this alcohol and Mai Tai's and tubes in the butt are in my head, I will sleep on it and go in to the hospital tomorrow and make a complete idiot of myself. Unfortunately, I cannot move across the country again as I did after the endoscopy and colonoscopy. So my surgeon will have a hard time looking me in the eye after tomorrow. I pity her.

Operation Daze

Finally, something inspiring enough to make me come back to my old blog that hasn't been touched in ages. It was the thought that my friend Kristi wanted me to sign up for CaringBridge.org to keep my friends and family updated on my health due to my body's seemingly amazing ability to sneak cancer cells into everything my surgeon touches.

Caring Bridge is a very nice site, I checked it out and nearly signed up. They had cupcakes for a page design, and I thought that would be fun since my day camp name is Cupcake. I first took the name Cupcake in High School when Mr. Umstader told us to write down our names and what we would like him to call us on the seating chart. He choked on his coffee when he came to my name, and every once in a while, usually when I was being difficult, he would call me Cupcake and make me laugh. He was my Chemistry teacher, so I was probably difficult a lot in that class.

So, finally I rejected Caring Bridge for two reasons. One is that I have this site and why sign up for another one? The other, more sinister reason is that Caring Bridge offers a book option, so you can buy your postings in book form. I am thinking, why the Hell do I want a book about me getting biopsies and operations and Lord knows what else? Is this supposed to be some wonderful memory for me? I am hoping life gets back to normal after this summer!! I may laugh my way through this, but I am not going to look back on it fondly one day if I can help it.

So, update on my body: Mammogram, biopsy, mammogram, lumpectomy, mammogram, MRI, sonogram, MRI biopsy, and now a scheduled thyroidectomy, sentinal lymph node removal under both arms, and soon a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. I probably missed a few mammograms in there, and I forgot to mention the metal chunk they left in me after the first biopsy that they attached a metal wire to before the lumpectomy, and I got to sit around with a metal wire sticking out of my chest until I got called in for surgery. I felt like a Transformer or the Terminator until the painkiller wore off. Then it was just annoying.

So, if you really, really want to know what's going on, feel free to follow me on this blog site, I will update it frequently, maybe even every day. Evidently some of you care about me since Kristi has a ton of volunteers making meals for the BIG operation of removal and rebuilding. I feel like a Bob the Builder project.

Thanks for caring, maybe you'll get over that by the time you actually get to know me!! ;^)

Love Mary