Is Using Cancer Wrong?

I really need to know if using my condition is wrong.  I don't mean in the way that I am upset and freaking out that I have cancer and so things flip me out uncontrollably.  That would not be using cancer.  I mean actually not being upset that I have cancer, and using it to get what I want from others.  I'll give you an example.  I took my Girl Scouts out for a shopping spree to spend their money, and I accidently used too much money.  So, I get a card in the mail, and I call the number.  Today, I went to the bank and deposited $20 to cover the $5 deficit, and the slip said I was still short like $19.  So I called again, and they said I only had a few days to deposit the money so I got an overdraw fee.  Soooooooo....what to do?  I just blew 20 bucks of my money to cover the GS cost, and now they want more.  It's like throwing money into a black hole.   I was not going to do that.  Thankfully, my voice is completely out of control and so I told the bank lady that I have breast cancer (using the word breast always gets you attention) and that it took me a week to get to the bank because I am at the doctor and trying to function.  I said I didn't think it was fair for me to get this penalty because I've had the account for years and never had a problem.  Well, she bought it and removed the charge.  Whew! 

Is that wrong?

Is it wrong I told all the store managers that I have cancer and want their response NOW for Boy Scout popcorn sales in the fall?  I don't think it's wrong simply because I am telling the truth.  How can that be wrong?  I tell everyone I have cancer.  It's fun.  Some people flinch, some hug me, and everyone is shocked to find out that I am not made of steel and I am destructible.  Considering the fact that I see death around every corner, I would think nobody would be surprised that I am infallible.  My entire life has been about tactical evasion of death. 

It's only 3 weeks until the big operation now.  I get an abdomen scan on the 5th, not sure why but I am sure the plastic surgeon needs it for the removal of tissue.  Now that I am pretty well recovered from the last operation, I am feeling impatient to start the next one.  I do need to exercise again to prepare for it.  I will get into the gross aspects of the next operation soon.  It's really gross.  At least to me!!

Springtime For Hitler In Germany......

That's about how surreal my life can be.  If I didn't know Adolf the Schmuck was dead, I'd expect him to show up with dinner or flowers or just to say hi and chat for a bit.  You know what's really weird about my life right now?  I have no control.  I talk to people, I seek them out, I like them.  I love so many people of so many different lifestyles, religions, incomes, educations, and police records that I can't have a party to invite them all because my friends have never really connected with each other, just with me.  I like people (I just noticed I left race out of that list, but anyone who actually knows me realizes that is because I do not consider race a difference at all), actually I am sure you all know that I love people!  Every person is worth my time, my attention, and someone who might make me laugh, learn something, or any number of options.  There's so much potential in people that I rarely reject the opportunity to chat. 

But, now people are seeking me out.  They are visiting, and sitting down wherever we happen to meet to talk to me and give me way more than a good laugh and a shared opinion.  People are giving my family food to eat so I don't have to cook (and neither does John) and flowers to me which all seem to be bright and happy and not death flowers at all, just power flowers, with the vibrance of life in them and making me realize that maybe some people might like having me around.  I recieved a package from a very special friend from college, with all sorts of fun things in the box with little notes on everything and I went through that numerous times and shared all the comments with my friend Kristie and she just loved it all.  So did I!

People are also hugging me and praying for me and doing all sorts of things that I am not used to.  Brenda (my college roommate, the best roommate EVER) would recall that in college, I was amazed that the people at our local bar (in NYC) actually thought about us when we weren't there.  I am not one to ever really think about others keeping me in mind, and it still blows me away that anyone actually does think about me unless I am right in front of them being a pain in the butt.  It's funny because I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks thinking about all the awesome people I've met in my life, and I must admit I've been spoiled rotten.  My big mouth and demented sense of humor has managed to find me so many fun friends, and my ability to appear normal has found me even more who I am SURE still have the wool pulled over their eyes when it comes to who I really am.  But there are days I think they really do know and don't mind so much.

Heck, even friends I thought I'd lost have reached out with love.  Like unretrievably lost.  And here they are.  So how can I really be sad that I have cancer?  It's not like I think I deserve better, I've been lucky for most of my life.  Sure, I work hard, but I love to work hard with friends and family and physical or mental or emotional labor is always good when you share.    Frankly, I couldn't have it any better in life.  I love my husband and my kids, my ex is a good father and all of our families are great.  My wonderful friends from my past are all within reach with Facebook, and the town I moved to 8 years ago has ended up being filled with kind, sharing, wonderful friends who won't allow John or me to turn down help.  I always thought this town was awesome, but now I am just overwhelmed with the generousity of my friends and acquaintances.  There might be no place like home for Dorothy, but for me, there's no place like Auburn. 

I feel like a total fraud.  I'm almost thankful I have cancer, it almost justifies all the kindness and attention. 

I hate to let so many of you down, so many of you tell me I'm inspiring and strong and other things, but really, I just am an optimist with a sick sense of humor, aren't I?  Yes, yes, I will fight this bastard to the death as I have so many weaker enemies.  And if I come out with a better deal than I had before the cancer, awesome.  If I come out worse for the wear, that's okay too.  I will survive and will deal with it because that's what I do.  Just remember, cancer is not the worst thing if the diagnosis is not really, really bad.  And even if it is really really bad, fight it like it's Adolf Hitler.  Miracles happen and it's fun to fight something that deserves the hate!!!

Long long babble.  Sorry. 

Crazy Daze

Look at how lazy I've become, it's been almost a week since I posted something!  I am SURE you're all dying to know how I am doing!!!  ;-)

It's not looking very good for my voice at this point.  It's still all over the place and I am starting to wonder if it will come back.  The surgeon did not tell me not to talk, and I've been talking a heck of a lot but even after hours of not talking, I sound like Mickey Mouse half the time. 

I am quite sure that if anything is to blame for my continued voice retardation, it is the damn cat.  Bindi, the Jungle Girl.  I'm starting to regret saving her life.  Two days ago, I was sitting here on the couch, innocently playing a game on FB or checking my emails, and I got up to do something that I am quite sure was important.  At least, it was important until I walked across the rug and got something stuck on the bottom of my sneaker.  It is moments like this that I am quite sure God is real and loves me, because He made sure I had sneakers on this time, and He made sure they were cheap ones.  Why, you ask?  Because, I pulled my foot up to come face to face with the bottom of my sneaker, never, ever being prejudiced in my thoughts that it's best to keep your face FAR away from anything that makes you curious.  For example, when one of my girl scouts brought a cute gift bag to our meeting, she came in all smiles and happy and held it out to me.  I opened the bag and stuck my face all the way in the bag and came face to face with a RAT!  A LIVE RAT!  I jumped at least 40 feet and screamed like a lunatic, running around in circles for at least 5 minutes.  It was awful.

So, if I am that freaked out by a clean pet rat, imagine my reaction when I turned up my sneaker and was face to face with the body of a vole with it's guts pouring out of it!!! STUCK to my SHOE!!!  I am quite sure we would have won $10,000 had anyone been there to videotape it.  Sadly, I flipped out and screamed at the top of my teeny, tiny little voice for at least 10 minutes and my son Guy finally heard me squeaking and came out, took the sneaker that I'd already kicked off, and threw it outside for me.  He was my little hero.  I still do not know where the shoe is.  Guy offered to scrape it off and I told him NO, it was damaged goods and I was never wearing them again.  Again, thankfully they were not my expensive sneakers, but my cheapo ones. 

I think I need a rug that is lighter in color and doesn't hide critters.  This is the second time I've stepped on one, the first being a live mouse that SNAPPED, CRACKED AND POPPED when I stepped on it.  I will never eat Rice Crispies again.  It was horrific, and the socks I was wearing were burned within hours of the terror. 

So, I am doing okay, still have spears jamming into my armpits, although way more one than the other side.  The 3 lymph node removal side is the bad one, can't reach in for mail, up for dishes, or out to lower the shower water heat.  Or down on either side.  Or else ZAP!  I feel like Eragon after the Shade injured him.  Crippled instantaneously in a bad moment.  UGH.

So, how's your life going?  Any dead things stuck to your feet????

WOW

I just read that last posting and it is BORING!!!  I could have had such fun with the slashed throat, the kiddie voice, and the Vlad the Impaler ghost spearing my armpits, and what did I say?  NOTHING!!  Sorry, you can tell I am a bit off today!

This is where it gets a bit boring

I am approaching 2 weeks from the last operation, and starting to get bored.  The problem is, if I do too much of anything, I get really tired or I move my arm the wrong way and it feels like someone is jamming a spear into my armpits.  I'm amazed at how much it hurts.  And my chest hurts a lot too, to the point where I am really looking forward to the mastectomy.

I also feel like a fraud since friends are still bringing me food and I just have a horse voice and look okay most of the time.  I've cancelled a few deliveries because we were getting a ton of food, but John is back at work this week and it really is a load off my back to not have to cook dinner.  Tomorrow I plan on shopping for tank tops that are tight enough to wear without a bra (which is quite painful to wear, even a soft sports bra with front attachments), so I will be wiped out after that.

Another interesting thing is that I have to explain my voice for phone calls.  People think I am a kid calling and so I've had to explain repeatedly that I am an adult who just had a throat operation.  Then they're like, "Ohhhhh, okay." and they finally listen to me.  This is why I have my wonderful popcorn kernels for Boy Scouts helping me by delivering my storefront requests!  I also don't want to go in and flash my big scar on my neck, it looks like someone slashed my throat! 

In addition to the good news...

My friend Chris made me a pair of earings from polymer clay (she is very good with clay, she made a whole Finding Nemo set and it looks like she bought it at Disney) that were boobs!!!  I think they are hilarious, and my friend Amy says that you can't tell what they are until you get really close and then it still takes a lot of looking. 

Anyway, Chris sells jewelry online, and at my suggestion she added the earings to her site.  She is donating money to Susan G Komen from them and to be perfectly honest, they really are cute.  PLUS, she named them Mary's Boobs, so you too can own the first piece of jewelry that was ever named after me!!!!  Check it out, I like the stuff she makes that don't have boobs too!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/victoriouscat

GOOD NEWS!

After a sleepless night freaking out because the surgeon did not call me with the report on my lymph nodes and thyroid tumor, I was completely surprised at our appointment today when she said all lymph nodes and the thyroid were all cancer free!!!  This is great because it gives me great odds on not having to have chemo after the mastectomy.  I was all prepared for the mastectomy to be moved up and the reconstruction to be put off for a long time, and it's all good news!!!  YAY! 

So the next operation is July and I am feeling really good about it even though it's a big one.  Have a good weekend!!

Violet Beauregard

Today, I was not good.  I drank 3 cups of decaf coffee, did very little all day, and drank no water.  Who would think it would affect me adversely?  After all, I am well on the path to healing from the operation, it's been a week.  SEVEN DAYS.  So, I finally decide to use the bathroom, and it's GREEN.  That nuclear blue dye is still in my system 7 days later and now I am feeling a bit like Violet Beauregard in Willy Wonka.  She's the one who took the dinner gum and blew up into a big blueberry.  Am I like Violet but blue/green when it's dark, and the nuclear part would be neon so am I now a big neon blue/green stick when I'm sitting in the dark?  Is some girl scout leader going to sneak up on me and hang me from a tree by the outhouse to light the path for her little scouts in the dark?  I am not so sure I like having this in my for so long.  I was so good and drank so much water all week that I cannot believe it's still in there!  It's just wrong!

By the way, I am freaking out because the surgeon did not call me tonight with the results of the biopsies.  I have an appointment in the morning with her and I am now positive that she's got very bad news for me.  I will not sleep well tonight!!!  ARRGHH!