Once upon a time in New York City, Brenda and Anthony and I went to see a comedy show at Caroline's Comedy Club. Actually, we went several times to Caroline's, but one sticks out in my mind this evening.
We saw Paul Provenski or something like that. He was HILARIOUS. He was talking about God, and we three Catholics were laughing our asses off while praying we weren't going to Hell. Ok, only I was thinking about Hell, Anthony and Brenda probably weren't. They were having a good time, like normal people would. Me, laughing while my hands shake as I admit in my mind that I am going straight to Hell for this one day. Normal for me, abnormal for most others.
So, this guy in the front row is telling Paul that he is going to Hell for joking about God. And Paul is laughing, and finally says, "No, I am not going to Hell. Because MY God has a sense of humor and He thinks that I am really fuckin' funny!". At this point I nearly peed my pants laughing, all the while praying that yes, God does thing Paulie is really effing funny. Because then I will be excused for laughing my ass off when I get to the Pearly Gates. IF I get that far, that is.
Why do I fondly recall the gentle moments of my 20's, you ask? Well, because last night my daughter, who is 11, came out of her bedroom around 10:30 at night when she is supposed to be asleep. And she says she can't sleep. I yell at her and tell her to go to bed, as I have the most severe heartburn and indigestion I've had in decades and I want to be left alone. So John goes into Chloe's room to see what the problem is, and she is crying and they talk. Withing 50 seconds, John is back in the living room and says that I need to go to talk to Chloe no matter how bad I feel. WHY? Well, evidently, John tells me, Chloe is afraid she is going to give birth to a baby tonight. Ooooookaaaay. So, I drag my not feeling well butt into Chloe's room, and ask her WHY in the world she thinks that she is going to give birth tonight. She says she heard that an 8 year old girl can get pregnant (NO idea where she heard that one) and she is afraid she is pregnant and oooohhh boy am I thinking, God is giving it to me now. First, he gives me children who cannot talk, and I talk more in a week than the average person does in a year. I think, hmmm, God is cute, He has a sense of humor. Now, I am thinking, God is giving me paybacks for every damn joke old Paulie told that night.
So, I explain to Chloe all about how you get pregnant and what to do if anyone wants to have sex (JUST SAY NO and tell me so I can kill him) and she calms down. So, tonight, she comes around close to 10pm. She can't sleep. She is concerned because she is afraid the sun is going to explode and annihilate Earth. Oh My God. Do you know how many times I have worried about that??!!! Pretty much every time I read the damn info on it. Black holes too, they drive me nuts, so I have to put it out of my mind.
So, God started out having a bit of fun by pointing out that I talk WAY too much, and now He is just plain old torturing me by making my child as obsessive about death around every corner as I am. NOT FAIR. I should not have to ever explain to anyone why something terrible is NOT going to happen. I've been doing the opposite my entire life. It's just not right.
SO. Now I will go to Hell unless I find a way to make my child NOT like me. NOT FAIR. You know why? Because I am going to Hell anyway. Mostly because I am hoping all the born agains are right and Jesus is going to take them all away and leave us all behind. Imagine how nice the world would be without people trying to convert you all the time. I hope Jesus takes the Mormon boys who try to convert you too. And the Jehovah's, even if they only think 144,000 will go with Jesus. I think Jesus would not be so cruel to those he leaves behind. Take 'em all! Leave the Catholics and the Jews and the normal Protestants behind, take everyone else with you. Oh, the Hindus are good, and the Buddhists. Anyone not involved in suicide bombing or ringing doorbells for Jesus is peachy in my book. Even if I despise peach flavor, right Debbie?!
You all have a good day, because you know I never will. And that's the way it is.
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