That's about how surreal my life can be. If I didn't know Adolf the Schmuck was dead, I'd expect him to show up with dinner or flowers or just to say hi and chat for a bit. You know what's really weird about my life right now? I have no control. I talk to people, I seek them out, I like them. I love so many people of so many different lifestyles, religions, incomes, educations, and police records that I can't have a party to invite them all because my friends have never really connected with each other, just with me. I like people (I just noticed I left race out of that list, but anyone who actually knows me realizes that is because I do not consider race a difference at all), actually I am sure you all know that I love people! Every person is worth my time, my attention, and someone who might make me laugh, learn something, or any number of options. There's so much potential in people that I rarely reject the opportunity to chat.
But, now people are seeking me out. They are visiting, and sitting down wherever we happen to meet to talk to me and give me way more than a good laugh and a shared opinion. People are giving my family food to eat so I don't have to cook (and neither does John) and flowers to me which all seem to be bright and happy and not death flowers at all, just power flowers, with the vibrance of life in them and making me realize that maybe some people might like having me around. I recieved a package from a very special friend from college, with all sorts of fun things in the box with little notes on everything and I went through that numerous times and shared all the comments with my friend Kristie and she just loved it all. So did I!
People are also hugging me and praying for me and doing all sorts of things that I am not used to. Brenda (my college roommate, the best roommate EVER) would recall that in college, I was amazed that the people at our local bar (in NYC) actually thought about us when we weren't there. I am not one to ever really think about others keeping me in mind, and it still blows me away that anyone actually does think about me unless I am right in front of them being a pain in the butt. It's funny because I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks thinking about all the awesome people I've met in my life, and I must admit I've been spoiled rotten. My big mouth and demented sense of humor has managed to find me so many fun friends, and my ability to appear normal has found me even more who I am SURE still have the wool pulled over their eyes when it comes to who I really am. But there are days I think they really do know and don't mind so much.
Heck, even friends I thought I'd lost have reached out with love. Like unretrievably lost. And here they are. So how can I really be sad that I have cancer? It's not like I think I deserve better, I've been lucky for most of my life. Sure, I work hard, but I love to work hard with friends and family and physical or mental or emotional labor is always good when you share. Frankly, I couldn't have it any better in life. I love my husband and my kids, my ex is a good father and all of our families are great. My wonderful friends from my past are all within reach with Facebook, and the town I moved to 8 years ago has ended up being filled with kind, sharing, wonderful friends who won't allow John or me to turn down help. I always thought this town was awesome, but now I am just overwhelmed with the generousity of my friends and acquaintances. There might be no place like home for Dorothy, but for me, there's no place like Auburn.
I feel like a total fraud. I'm almost thankful I have cancer, it almost justifies all the kindness and attention.
I hate to let so many of you down, so many of you tell me I'm inspiring and strong and other things, but really, I just am an optimist with a sick sense of humor, aren't I? Yes, yes, I will fight this bastard to the death as I have so many weaker enemies. And if I come out with a better deal than I had before the cancer, awesome. If I come out worse for the wear, that's okay too. I will survive and will deal with it because that's what I do. Just remember, cancer is not the worst thing if the diagnosis is not really, really bad. And even if it is really really bad, fight it like it's Adolf Hitler. Miracles happen and it's fun to fight something that deserves the hate!!!
Long long babble. Sorry.
But, now people are seeking me out. They are visiting, and sitting down wherever we happen to meet to talk to me and give me way more than a good laugh and a shared opinion. People are giving my family food to eat so I don't have to cook (and neither does John) and flowers to me which all seem to be bright and happy and not death flowers at all, just power flowers, with the vibrance of life in them and making me realize that maybe some people might like having me around. I recieved a package from a very special friend from college, with all sorts of fun things in the box with little notes on everything and I went through that numerous times and shared all the comments with my friend Kristie and she just loved it all. So did I!
People are also hugging me and praying for me and doing all sorts of things that I am not used to. Brenda (my college roommate, the best roommate EVER) would recall that in college, I was amazed that the people at our local bar (in NYC) actually thought about us when we weren't there. I am not one to ever really think about others keeping me in mind, and it still blows me away that anyone actually does think about me unless I am right in front of them being a pain in the butt. It's funny because I have spent a lot of time over the past few weeks thinking about all the awesome people I've met in my life, and I must admit I've been spoiled rotten. My big mouth and demented sense of humor has managed to find me so many fun friends, and my ability to appear normal has found me even more who I am SURE still have the wool pulled over their eyes when it comes to who I really am. But there are days I think they really do know and don't mind so much.
Heck, even friends I thought I'd lost have reached out with love. Like unretrievably lost. And here they are. So how can I really be sad that I have cancer? It's not like I think I deserve better, I've been lucky for most of my life. Sure, I work hard, but I love to work hard with friends and family and physical or mental or emotional labor is always good when you share. Frankly, I couldn't have it any better in life. I love my husband and my kids, my ex is a good father and all of our families are great. My wonderful friends from my past are all within reach with Facebook, and the town I moved to 8 years ago has ended up being filled with kind, sharing, wonderful friends who won't allow John or me to turn down help. I always thought this town was awesome, but now I am just overwhelmed with the generousity of my friends and acquaintances. There might be no place like home for Dorothy, but for me, there's no place like Auburn.
I feel like a total fraud. I'm almost thankful I have cancer, it almost justifies all the kindness and attention.
I hate to let so many of you down, so many of you tell me I'm inspiring and strong and other things, but really, I just am an optimist with a sick sense of humor, aren't I? Yes, yes, I will fight this bastard to the death as I have so many weaker enemies. And if I come out with a better deal than I had before the cancer, awesome. If I come out worse for the wear, that's okay too. I will survive and will deal with it because that's what I do. Just remember, cancer is not the worst thing if the diagnosis is not really, really bad. And even if it is really really bad, fight it like it's Adolf Hitler. Miracles happen and it's fun to fight something that deserves the hate!!!
Long long babble. Sorry.
2 comments:
That's a beautiful babble--and not just because you called me "the best roommate EVER." HA.
I feel like I must go to the Raccoon and have a drink to your quick recovery. Cheers!
You WERE the best roommate ever! College would have sucked without you.
I have wooden free drink disks from the Raccoon, I am wondering if they would still take them. They are so old!!!
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