why PT sucks

Anthony would like to know WHY Physical Therapy sucks.  I guess it starts with the fact that they tell you not to shave your legs before the operation, and so you have withstand the humiliation of a guy (and then a girl) touching your hairy hairy leg.  As if that were not bad enough, they have to touch the other leg too, in order to see how the muscle is on that side compared to the other.  I didn't shave that one because it would have felt weird having one hairy leg and one non hairy one.    They don't want you to shave as you could cut yourself and there are no cuts allowed before surgery because you could get an infection.  In the operating room.  Where it is supposed to be STERILE. 

So, being paranoid about death by infection, I did not shave my legs for a good week before surgery.  Then, they operate.  And they stick my legs, BOTH of them, in these tight stockings and tell me not to bathe or take them off for a week and a day until my next appointment with the surgeon.  So, I have hairy legs to prevent sterile infection, and now I have stockings to prevent....what?  Oh, they say, to fend off BLOOD CLOTS.  Isn't that what David Bloom died from?  And so now I have to worry about infections AND blood clots?  What????   They did not tell me that BEFORE they shot me up and and knocked me out.  Bastards.

So, the first 3 days, I must admit, were a blur and I did not have a problem not bathing.  Then, as some of the drugs began to wear off and the severe knee pain started, I decided that I smelled really bad.  I guess my sense of smell started working again too.  So, I did an interesting straddling the tub thing in the kids' bathroom, took off the un-operated leg's stocking, and used a hand shower thingie to wash everything but my recovering leg.  To ensure no contact with water or various infectious bacteria, I wrapped my leg in 40 yards of cellophane and duct taped it all over.  It worked, the leg stayed dry.  I washed my hair and various other things, and towel dried and then proceeded to remove the duct tape and cellophane.  It took me about an hour, but the oxycodone might have made it seem like a lot less time, and it could have taken me 3 hours.  I like oxycodone, combined with prozac it made for a really good time.  Of course, I don't remember it, but I do recall feeling nothing at times, and that was happy. 

SO, after two weeks and a day without shaving, I go to the surgeon and find out that the physical therapist guy gets to see me first.  He cuts off the bandages, and sees the massive hair growth on my leg.  DAMN.  He is young too, so I was very embarassed, but I acted like I didn't notice or care.  So did he.  Then the surgeon gets to see the hair, and they are all running their hands on my damn hairy leg, the surgeon, the PT guy, the assistant surgeon, and the intern.  Ok, the intern didn't touch me, but he saw the hair.  Poor kid, he may quit med school because of me.   Too bad I couldn't pull out a 14 foot long ingrown hair to really freak him out like I used to do to Brenda in college.  Those were the good days. 

BUT, what also sucks about Physical Therapy is that my damn knee, which had pretty much stopped hurting, now KILLS because I am doing the damn exercises that they have told me to do.  Of course, they told me to do it AFTER they yelled at me for not using my crutches, and the female PT here yelled at me because I stopped using my leg brace too.  The brace just falls down all the time, it's useless.  I just walk carefully, that ought to be good enough.  

So, hairy legs, yelling, and, finally, knee cap pain.  That is PT.  I don't think I like them very much.  I get a stationary bike on Sunday, so I got a great book out of the library to read while I cycle, The War History of Afghanistan.  I should fall asleep after about 2 rotations.  Maybe I will take the oxycodone beforehand and I can really enjoy the whole experience! 

 

Tags: PT, physical therapy, pain, hairy legs, Anthony, oxycodone