Last day of the year

Today is the last day of the year 2008. I blew out my knee, unexpectedly lost my father in law, got a knee operation, didn't get to go camping, was completely overbooked, and saw my all time hero lose an election. I took such offense at an email from a friend that I still have trouble thinking about it. And yet it was a great year. I just picked up my leg brace for skiing in 2009, and was given the okay to ski by my surgeon. So I have a little support for my leg, and there's the support from the memory of my father in law to bring me back to Colorado, where we lost him. He had more spunk than the rest of the world combined, and I am going to make him proud by going out and having a great time there. We all will, the family, that is. And I can rest in the knowledge that Senator McCain is still the greatest and most noble American alive today. his grace in loss and pledge to support the government of our country is what makes him an amazing person who puts his country first. And so we begin a new year, with hopes for the best and strength for whatever may come our way.

Weird, Creepy, True

Just watched some perfectly matched for me show called something like Weird Creepy and True. It was about swarms. Swarms of flies in Africa, swarms of crabs on Easter Island, swarms of locusts, swarms of box jellyfish, wasps, endless unexpected death around every single corner. Right up my alley.

Right now I am watching some show about a shark eating a woman, and her friend just keeps on filming it. Nice. Sounds like my old high school click.

I love to watch death and disaster. I feel it's good to be aware of every pitch life throws at me. I'm not sure it helps me stay alive and keep my loved ones alive, but it sure as hell makes me feel better to think about all the possibilities and think about how I would react.

I was on the Circle Line once for a Halloween Booze Cruise in NYC. Unlike a lot of people, I was only drinking and not doing drugs, I did have some brains, I guess. I saw a guy go overboard, from the top level of the ship, and walked over and asked the guys sitting there staring at nothing if a guy had just gone over. (My mother has trained me to distrust my "vivid" imagination over the years). They said yeah, he went over. So I ran, first thinking, where is the captain of the boat, then realizing that would do no good, and turned, heading straight for the DJ. He cut the music and announced Man Overboard, and all 500 people in full costume ran to the sides of the boat to look. I ran down the inner stairs, and two guys were standing at the bottom. One of them says, "Hey, this is the best time to hit the bar!" (he did not like lines, I am guessing) and the other guy rolled his eyes. AHA! I found intelligent life. I asked him where the life preservers were, and we tried to hunt one down. Alas, we found out after knocking a few ceiling squares down and opening a few benches, that all the life preservers had been removed because booze cruisers often ended up tossing all the preservers into the river.

So, the guy died. But I learned several very important lessons that night. One was, never hang from the railing by your feet on a booze cruise, no matter how fun you think it might be. Another is that I am capable of reacting well in a bad situation. Of course, it's not like the ship was sinking or anything, but trust me, I would have been on the lifeboat with that one intelligent guy before anyone else even knew the boat was sinking. But I did not act like a moron or flip out, I functioned well under stress. It proved to be my strong point in later years in my professional life.

And the final thing I learned was...it really is a good time to go to the bar if you want a drink right away. Really.

Even though Christmas is past, don't forget 'em!

A Different Christmas Poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.

The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
Sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.

Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..

To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at ' Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ' Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... An American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.

For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

"Christmas is most truly Christmas when we celebrate it by giving the light of love to those who need it most" - Ruth Carter Stapleton

Getting "Slammed"

We have had some interesting weather lately. I base all of my comments here on the weather people and newspeople on the television, because they are the whiniest, most annoying people on the planet.

First, according to our lovely weatherpeople, we are slammed with ice, all over the place. The street I live on, a steep hill, was not sanded. The neighbors and John went out with their own de-icer and shoveled up the snow so a few people (not us) could get up to the world. If the county knew, we would be swarmed with PETA or Greenpeace people screaming that we killed something with our deathly de-icer. Oh well.

THEN, we get slammed with snow. And more snow, and more snow. Yes, almost as much snow over several days as the east coast gets in a few hours. And western Washington came to a dead halt. And good Lord do they complain about it on the news.

I would like to add at this point that my street did not get plowed of snow. Any neighbors who don't have 4 wheel drive parked up at the top of the hill. We didn't, we have TWO 4 wheel drive cars. We still didn't venture out more than once or twice though.

Good news, my street became a center of attraction to all sledders who were not afraid of the possibility of shooting through the barrier and off the cliff. It was fun to watch from my cozy inside couch.

Then, tonight, I turn on the news. They open up with the fact that it has been raining for two days, and we are being SLAMMED with rain. Oh my gosh, flooding warnings, dangerous slush, it is horrendous! I wanted to slap them all. Whatever. After a good 10 minutes on weather, they finally mention that Israel SLAMMED the Palestinians with explosives today. Of course, they did not use the word slammed on that, when they SHOULD use it.

By the way, my road is still untouched by the city and I am still not complaining about it. I laugh when people come down and get stuck. Hello, this is a mountainous area, not a hilly one. Get 4 wheel drive or stay at home during storms. Or try something new, walk!

These weather guys whine so much they really ought to live on the east coast. I forgot how much people complain about the weather over there. I might have to get a petition to banish them before the New Year.

Provided, that is, we don't get SLAMMED by them.

Pablo The Reindeer

Who does Santa take when he goes to Mexico??? PABLO, of course! For all those who rolled their eyes over the past 35 years, please check out this fabulous rendition of Pablo the Reindeer from Mexico on YouTube. I AM VINDICATED!!! And I love the song!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-riQuj1UB3A&feature=related

Snow Thunder?

I woke up this morning around 5:30, my husband was leaving for work. So I lied on the couch to make sure he got up the hill okay (he was curious to know what I was going to do if he didn't make it) (the answer is nothing, but hey, I was a cheerleader, what do you want me to do besides cheer you on?).

But I digress. It was snowing on TV, somewhere in Seattle or the surrounding area. The snow, all 2 or 3 inches of it, is nonstop news matter today. I saw not one, not two, but 3 different reporters in different areas, at least 20 miles apart from each other, pushing aside a thin layer of snow to reveal a thin layer of ice. Just in case we didn't get it from the first reporter. I was slightly bored and falling asleep at this point.

Then, of all things, they annouce we have SNOW THUNDER. WHAT? Am I dreaming this, or am I awake? Yep, in Snoqualmie, or Snohomish, or Sno-wherever the reporter was, it was snowing, and there was thunder. He explained that a thunderstorm in the snow was called Snow Thunder. I'm not buying it. First of all, I thought you needed heat to have thunder. I am sure it was just trucks crashing into each other on the road out of his sight and he was mistaking it for thunder. Or else some cute little boys were smashing a big thin sheet of metal that fell off of a truck (trucks around here drop stuff ALL the time), and that's what the reporter was hearing. I bet he'd fall for the War of the Worlds trick on the radio if we gave it a try.

Snow Thunder. What will they think of next? Snow Tsunami? That's a good one. Let's try it.

Death by Mexican

I love Mexican food. I mean, LOVE it. I could probably eat it every day, for every meal. I spent a week in Mexico and that's all I ate. It was glorious. The only problem is that Mexican does not like me. Every single time I eat it, without fail, I get the most severe indigestion and heartburn. Even though I take prozac every day and NEVER get heartburn. Mexican eliminates the entire drug in my system.

So, a sensible person would probably not eat Mexican, at least, not very frequently. But me? NAH. I eat it all the time. Tonight I took my daughter to a place that gives me the worst indigestion I have ever had, and what did I do? Ate Mexican. I have been severely uncomfortable and even in pain for more than 3 hours now. My stomach acid mocks antacids like Tums. That didn't even work when I was in 5th grade. An entire bottle wouldn't work on it right now. So I don't bother, I am drinking a Mexican beer to make it even worse. Might as well go for the gold.

I have, as you might have guessed, GERD. That is Gastro Esophagal Reflux blah blah blah. It means my stomach acid shoots up my esophagus because my flap SUCKS. That is in human speak. MFS. My Flap Sucks. And so did my digestive life until the creation of the God almighty Prilosec. It made me normal, well, at least my flap normal, and I was gleeful. Of course, my Diverticulosis condition is not really controlled by Prilosec. It certainly seems to be better off with it (for those of you who don't know, diverticulosis is essentially that the inside of my intestines is not flat and smooth, but more of a roller coaster ride, the Fun Person gene is in my intestines). Sometimes things go down the hill and don't come back up the hill. STUCK. And no service emergency team to remove the poor coaster riders. So, it ferments and causes severe pain and eventually you puke your brains out for 2 days. It's so pretty, usually only old people get it, but it runs in my family and I got lucky.

My husband complains that I did not tell him about the defects until after we were married. Like I was gonna tell him THAT. He can live with it, he really doesn't have a choice anymore!

So, back to the Mexican topic. I get so easily distracted. I eat Mexican all the time, I go with my friends, I never complain, and I suffer for hours afterwards. I go with my husband too. I go alone. I take my child. You would think eventually my body would simply refuse to open my mouth and bend my arm to prevent the poison from entering me, but no. I continue to torture myself and I will probably end up dead with a burrito in my hand one day. What a way to go. I hope I get run over by a taco truck while I am eating my burrito. That would be hilarious. None of you could keep a straight face at the funeral. Especially Cindy from college. She got run over by a hot dog cart in NYC (where we went to college) and I laughed my ass off for so long her roommate almost kicked my butt in. She'd probably put a rotten hot dog in my coffin. I would like that. She always did have a sense of humor.

I think I have some burritos in the freezer too....hmmmmmm...ttyl!!!

Aliens Attack

The first time I saw this photo, I could not figure out what the heck it was. I thought my son was running for his life and my daughter was ready to greet the aliens as they grabbed her with their long, spindly creepy arms. After I looked at it for a while, I realized it is a fountain in Seattle. I wonder if it is the same one that naked men ran into and tried to play with children. There is something seriously wrong with Seattlites. It's not illegal. Go figure.

A child of grace

Forget about Thanksgiving. There is a person in this world that gives me hope and gratitude simply by being herself. And she is only 13 years old.

Let's start at the source. My daughter, known by many of you, is a bit different. She looks different because she has wild, crazy curly hair and she not only loves it, she flaunts it. She is extremely artistic and polite, and adults have always just loved her. Girls are not quite the same. My daughter is not socially skilled, she will never be the queen bee because she is not skilled at reading others and making a strategy to deal with others. She truly believes that we all should support each other and be nice and happy. She is the ulitimate flower girl, that's how my mind gives her an image. A girl in a field of daisies, reaching her arms out to the world. It makes me love her even more.

But we all know that this is not "normal" to most girls. And for several years, I have noticed girls who don't "get" Chloe. That's what Makaela says, her friend and fellow Girl Scout. I believe she is right, but also very kind to the girls who don't get her. But, since we have moved here, there has been one girl who has unfailingly been kind and thoughtful to my daughter despite the fact that she is very much the socialite. I know, I was one too.

Nicole is the daughter of my good friend Chris. Several years ago, about a year after I moved here, I told Chris about my worries that not a lot of girls I invited to Chloe's tea birthday party would come. Chris told me to invite Nicole, who is 2 years older, and so I did. I figured Nicole would come because Chris would make her, but she actually was happy to come and was so wonderful to all of the girls. Nicole came to Chloe's slumber party the following year. This year, Chloe handed an invitation to Nicole and she was so kind to explain why she couldn't come. Chloe thinks Nicole is the kindest person in the world.

To be honest, I was always a bit worried (not me!) thinking Chris made Nicole do these things. I have no idea why, because Nicole was always happy and nice and seemed to enjoy helping out. She's extremely capable. But she's more than that. She is kind. That is not average for a girl who is attractive and smart and outgoing.

A week or so ago, I told Chris how Chloe went to her first gymnastics practice and came home crying hysterically, and after we hung up, about 3 minutes later Nicole called me and asked if Chloe would be interested in working with her to learn a routine or two. I said yes, and completely forgot about it. Chris called the day we were available and picked up Chloe and Nicole, whatever she did, worked wonders with Chloe. Chloe is now so happy and enjoys gymnastics and is not upset that she is not perfect at it.

I think it helps when an older girl (an 8th grader!!!!) tells you that you are okay and nice. I think Nicole is really exceptional, even in our Girl Scout world. She is constantly, despite being the most normal kid I know, showing how exceptional she is. She gives me hope for the future, for kids who grow up without our experiences and responsibilities. She is amazing, beautiful, cool, smart-ass, and friendly. She is at least 15 years ahead of me when I was her age in the finest ways. I look forward to seeing her in 10 years, 20 years, to know what difference she is making in life. A girl like Nicole, being a stay at home mom or an executive or an international peacemaker, will make a huge difference in the lives of the people she touches. I know, she has touched my heart so many times. I am so thankful that her mom and dad met and fell in love, and are raising such an amazing kid.

Funny thing is, she would be embarassed if she knew how I felt. She thinks of herself as average, I am willing to bet. But she doesn't really know the effect she has on my life, and my daughter's life. And that is the exceptional part of Nicole that gives me such pleasure. She is so amazing, and she really will make a difference in this world. She already has.

Gearing up

Today is Thanksgiving. I took a bit of inspiration from one or two of my Girl Scout friends, and I make a week long schedule for having my husband's family over. It worked out really well, broke down all my chores into smaller pieces for me and I got it all done. The only trouble was the arguement my husband and I had over how to make the stuffing. We ended up compromising and the stuffing turned out the best I have ever had to be honest.

Anyway, I had a great day and I am very thankful today. My husband is the greatest guy, and I am madly in love with him, and my kids are growing and learning and are good people, my inlaws are amazing and my family, messed up as it can be at times, is moving in the right direction.

I am also thankful for my friends. Katie, who had a baby girl a few months ago and still manages to call me before I call her, and Lisa the Brit, who taught me that mini mince pies are much better than a huge one, Chris, who cares so much AND taught me the incredible life of KISS,(keep it simple stupid), and Amy, who always seems to have one more piece of herself to give, and Kelly, who is like an egg, she shows you the hard shell but she's a big softie inside, and Beth, who makes me laugh my ass off and is very honest and such a decent person, Debbie, who has a heart of gold and lets me drag her through the mud everywhere, Lynn, who is totally nuts but would do anything for a friend, Marty, who is truly wacky but is content to be that way, and Baltimore Sue, who never lived in Baltimore but that's what my husband calls her. Sue and I have had many years as friends, and usually we were on the same side of things, but recently we weren't. I seem to have lost my taste for her sense of humor, I find it harsh nowadays, either due to my age or my environment, but she and I can overlook that aspect of life and still care about each other's happiness. My friend Denise, who I rarely hear from but who is like a sister to me when I do get to see her. Brenda, who is unspeakably interesting and fun, and Anthony, who understands the best parts of life. Brenda and Anthony unwittingly gave me hope and direction in life when I was at the bottom of an emotional pit, and they brought me back with a confidence and strength that I never could have achieved on my own. I am so thankful for them.

I am thankful for so many more, but I have run out of time. Happy Happy, hope your turkey gravy was as good as mine!!

time

ok, it is time I decide to write again. I know there are a few of you who will be happy to think that the McCain emails will stop, but they probably will never stop completely. I am thinking my Sarah Palin entries have just begun.

See, the thing is, I appreciate people who are very different from me. I like everyone from strippers to priests. Most crap simply does not bother me. I used to wonder why other people were so unable to genuinely get along with all the people I condsider my friends, and to be perfectly honest, after 43 years, I still don't get it.

I like Sarah Palin because she's a hard ass mom who took over her party and her state. I like the fact that she is much prettier and more fun than most female (ok, ALL female) politicians. I like the fact that she shoots a gun, though I never have. I think she is slightly insane for firing a personal chef and cooking for her family, but hey, what else is there to do in winter in Alaska. I may not agree with all of her views, but this country is based on balance. No extreme right or left politician is going to last for long. Did anyone notice Bill Clinton was practically a socialist until the country put down their congressional-voting foot? So, no, I am not afraid of Palin, I celebrate her, as a woman, and as a tough assed chick who can probably kick a lot of butt.

I have tired of people being so afraid of politicians who are not like them. I am tired of people being greedy and expecting the government to drag them through life. I worked my ass off, and now I volunteer my ass off, and people still never think they get enough. I give up. It's sad, but I really don't care to submerge myself in that environment anymore. I am going to take my money and my time and donate it to myself and my husband and my kids. I am going to work my ass into shape and give my husband something to drool after. I will make my kids laugh and have fun and stop pushing them to the side sometimes to help the rest of the world.

The only people I will still help are the special needs kids and families. A good friend recently said she was voting for Obama simply because of pro choice values. She felt that Sarah Palin was wrong to bring a Downs Syndrome child into the world. This is a woman who works with special needs teenagers. She feels most of them would be happier if they never lived. I disagree. My cousin is Downs, an old High School friend has a Downs son. You know what? They are happy, because the parents who are raising them are not ignoring them or trying to hide their disability. Why kill the child when the parents are the ones to blame? Suck it up people and start realizing that everyone can be happy, and everyone can be sad. It's not your choice to make for others. I love Sarah Palin for having Trig, I love his name even if it does send math-fear convulsions into my brain. I admire a woman who essentially gives the finger to the rest of this judgemental world. She has my vote, and my donation, if she ever runs again. No matter how scared of her you are. You all need to get spine. And an appreciation of the extremes of humanity.

Hope or No Hope for Mom

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years back. It was a pretty stunning moment to hear that, I would never have guessed my Mom would ever be diagnosed with any disease. What was more amazing is that my mom had no hope. Hope was something for a lost cause, and my Mom pretty much told the doctor, "okay, what do we have to do to beat this?".



And beat it she did. Not with tears and why me? and hope for a miracle. Mom made her own path, she decided she was going to beat this and nothing was going to stop her. And nothing did, not the biopsy, the surgery, the chemo and the radiation. She calmly and purposefully took every step forward and beat cancer with a big stick. It's called determination, and hope has no place when you decide there will only be one outcome to a situation.



We had hope for my father in law when he had open heart surgery last March. We had hope that he would wake up and be taken off all those machines and be okay. Then we started to hope he'd be somewhat okay, and need dialysis 3 times a week. And then hope was gone, and so was Dad. They told Dad that he did not have long to live a good 30 years ago, and he laughed at them. He didn't hope for the best, he plowed through life after they took his leg, after they told him he had a kidney problem, after the many diagnosis that he was not long for this world. As long as Dad had determination, he was going to be fine. And being on machines during surgery took away Dad's ability to determine his own outcome, he didn't give up, he fought through his unconsciousness until the machines drained him of life. Hope didn't work for us.



So I wonder at the idea that my mother is leaning toward voting for Barack Obama. He has hope. McCain simply does the job, just like my mother does, just like my father in law did until the doctors took away his ability to fight. The media is taking away McCain's ability to fight, methodically ignoring any positive news on McCain and slanting every report against him, while blowing sunshine up Obama's ass and never asking him a real question that might cast a negative light upon his hope. Somehow, I know Dad is up there routing his butt off for John McCain.



Barack Obama's insistance that Hope and Change are our saviours is completely wrong. It's passive. John McCain, a man who has been physically battered and broken and still has his fighting spirit, his determination, doesn't have hope he can lift up America and the world. He knows he can, because he doesn't hope. For McCain, success is the only outcome. And if you'd just stop listening to the verbal blather and research both of their backgrounds, their challenges and successes, how one man relied upon others to carry him through while the other merely dragged himself to the top, you might decide that a tough old white man really would make a good president. Because he does not hope, he simply does the work. That makes all the difference.

Colin-oscopy

Colin Powell just endorsed Obama. I am so disappointed in him. He chose a man he barely knows over a man he respects and has worked with for ages, simply because of his race. Powell can claim that wasn't his main reason for the endorsement, but it is. He would never, ever endorse a Democrat before, and Obama has accomplished little in life beyond rounding up people who don't have a clue who or what they are voting for and registering them to vote. All because the black community demands that Powell choose between white and black. "He said as much when he commented that McCain is very capable of being president. I am very sad.

At the best, an Obama presidency will be like David Dinkins' reign in NYC. A complete zero. I know, I voted for him. What a mistake. And then we ended up with Nazi-like Rudi Guiliani for a mayor, who was mean and viscious and dangerous until September 11th when he suddenly became a Champion. Obama is so naive as to think other countries are simply going to listen to him and do what he thinks is best, and that's not the way the world works.

I am sad that our country is going to push away a great man, one who has always worked with the other side and who always stands up for what is right, simply because he is old and white. I guess the irony is that, for the first time in her adult life, Michelle Obama is proud of her country, and for the first time in my adult life, I will be ashamed of my country. John McCain deserves better respect from the fellow Americans for whom he has worked so hard.

Feng Shui

I have bad Fung Shway. That's how you pronounce Feng Shui. I learned about it a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, but I just decided that the Feng Shui book to unclutter your house was for me. So, reading it freaks me out as I think maybe my entire life sucks and I am simply not aware of it, but if I look hard at my clutter and dust, I will discover how miserable I unwittingly am.

Feng Shui is the ancient Chinese art of....I don't know, house gadget placement? Everything means something, where you place your bed, what direction, candles in the bathroom, having a chair back to the room. It's basically a guide to how to alienate and insult everyone who ever enters your house. I enjoy that thought. Because I do not believe my stacks of clutter and mountains of dog hair insult and alienate enough people. If I work harder, I can be left entirely alone for all of eternity.

Then what would I do?

Girl Scouts are Insane

We had our leader meeting the other night for our Girl Scout Service Unit. We discussed a very important day to Girl Scouts - Thinking Day. It's a day when we get together, all of our troops in Auburn, and celebrate other countries and learn about them. There is a theme every year. last year was WATER. So we each chose a country and prepared a display about how water is used, preserved, etc. in that country. Of course I grabbed Panama, there's more water in that canal than just about anywhere. It was cool, girls did Djibouti, Germany, Mexico. We learned how they conserve water, survive droughts, even use steam to make electricity (Iceland). It was awesome. We did all sorts of water experiments. What a great day.

So, what's the theme this year? “We can stop the spread of AIDS, malaria and other diseases.”
Of course, you can imagine my reaction, as well as the other leaders. We laughed. Good joke, and the council person said "No, that's really the theme". I, being the shy, quiet person who avoids the spotlight, jumped up and yelled, "I call The Congo, so we can teach the girls all about Ebola and if they see a person with blood spewing out of every orifice then DON'T GO NEAR THEM, RUN AWAY! That will stop the spread of Ebola."

My point, Gee, let's give every 6 and 7 year old Brownie a horror show of death and disease annihilating the planet just for fun. That'll get 'em thinking every night instead of those stupid sugarplums dancing around. HELLO! Girl Scouts of America, we do NOT want to scare the crap out of our kids or anyone else's kids! ARE YOU INSANE? First you want to change all of our Grace songs for camp from God to "Mother Earth", and now you want to teach the little cute girls all about AIDS and body fluid swapping? Are you TRYING to bankrupt yourselves?

Insane. I hope we do it. I will make a dummy with fake blood pumping out all over the place. It will be so cool. Too bad Thinking Day is in February, not October. It's a Halloween theme this year!!!

Frankly, I think our theme should be: Antidepressants: why your leaders are so calm and how to piss them off. It works for me!!!

houses

The Federal Reserve Chairman just had a televised announcement, and he said this entire financial crisis is due to the housing/mortgage problem.

And YES, I have been offered a much higher mortgage than I could afford and turned it down for a mortgage (and less opulent home) that I could afford.  So don't blame pushy mortage brokers.  People have to take some responsibility for their actions. 

We just bought a house in NY, and we didn't get a copy of the Home Inspection report.  We just heard from the Realtor that everything was fine.  Well, turns out it's not fine.  The electric in the house is aluminum and it all has to be replaced.  Who's fault is it? The Realtor? The Seller? The Home Inspection Guy?  John McCain?  NOPE!  It's our fault.  We were stupid, and we accept that. 

Just the facts, maam

People are blaming CEO's for the current crisis, along with mortgage brokers and banks.. But look at the facts. They tell a far different story.  It's a story of American greed; where people believe that they deserve to own a home that they cannot afford.  When brokers told people that they cannot afford the home they'd like to buy, the people said them they don't care, that if they don't give them the mortgage, another broker would.  That's why we're in this mess, because the American people don't understand fiscal discipline.  The Baby Boomers, aka the "me generation," didn't care about what they could or could not afford and passed that lack of discipline to their children, and so on. 

 

Now Americans average over $10k in credit card debt alone.  Is that Wall Street's fault?  Is that a mortgage broker's fault?  Americans consume more than half of their meals outside the home.  That's right, no one cooks anymore; they spend tons of money eating out and gaining weight to boot!  Is that Wall Street's fault?  Is that a mortgage broker's fault?  Americans drive cars 3 years old or less in numbers never seen before in America.  Everyone wants to have a new car even if they cannot afford it.  Is that Wall Street's fault?  Is that a mortgage broker's fault? 

 

Too many Americans are greedy.  Those who have gotten in over their heads are in deep trouble, regardless of the mortgage brokers and people like community organizers in groups like ACORN  who help people get loans they cannot afford (Barack Obama did this when he worked for ACORN as a community organizer).

 

And let's not forget the government.  YouTube is full of videos from the 2004 Congressional hearing where accountants requested an investigation of Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac for backing loans that people couldn't afford.  Watch the videos and see Congress members Barney Frank, Maxine Waters, etc. tell the accountants that Fannie Mae was fine and an investigation was not necessary.  Next Google the 2005 Senate bill backed by John McCain that Democrats blocked from leaving committee for a floor vote.  That bill called for stricter regulations governing the loan practices of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and warned of financial disaster.  But Obama and Nancy Pelosi blame McCain for deregulations.  Idiots.  Go check the facts.  Go read the bills.  Go watch the hearings. Go see the facts before you vote.

 

Facts.  They're an amazing thing!

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD I AM FREAKED OUT AND I AM SITTING HERE SCREAMING AND SCREAMING BECAUSE MY CAT ANGEL BROUGHT ANOTHER PET IN TO THE HOUSE AND IT WAS MAKING A WEIRD SOUND SO I WENT TO LOOK AND IT IS A FOOT LONG DRAGONFLY AND IT HAS HAIR ON IT'S BODY AND IT IS HUGE AND SHE IS WHACKING IT ALL OVER THE PLACE AND IT WILL NEVER DIE AND I AM STUCK IN THE HOUSE WITH A HUGE DEFORMED ANGRY DRAGONFLY THAT LAYS EGGS THE SIZE OF UTAH AND THERE IS NOT A SOUL HERE TO HELP ME. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  HELP ME!!!

Wild Waves

I just called my friend Chris, for no reason other than to have an excuse to stay under the blanket while lying on the couch and do nothing. Her husband Rob informed me that she was dropping Nicole off at Wild Waves.  Wild Waves, for those who don't know, is a mini-amusement park and water park near us.  It has enough rides to spend the day, but it's not large enough for people to travel 4 hours to go to it.  At least not for me!

So, I get all excited, and call down to the kids, "Hey, let's go to Wild Waves for the day".  We have season passes.  So, the kids run upstairs, yelling, hooting, grabbing their swim suits and pool shoes....right?  Nope.  My kids ignore me.  I yell at them to come upstairs, and they basically say "We don't want to go".  They want a quiet day at home. 

WHAT!  When I was a kid I would never turn down a trip just about anywhere!  Ok, maybe the dentist.  So, we are having our quiet day.  My kids have way too many activities if they turn down fun even once!!!

Tags: Kids, amusement parks, overbooked, wild waves

yellow ribbon

We are watching some show where you have to sing song lyrics to win the game.  Tie a Yellow Ribbon was the song some chick had to sing.  I know all the words.  Yes, I am proud of that.  I have the CD!  I also have the Partridge Family cd.  But Tony Orlando was a huge favorite of mine as a child, and now I cart around a yellow ribbon magnet on my car for our soldiers.  I know prison is not the military, but since the idiot hippies treated our boys so cruelly after Vietnam, I think they deserve the ribbons and the love. 

Now I am thining old songs, I heard my mamma cry, I heard her pray the night Chicago died......I could go on for a long annoying time.....

Cupcakes UNITE!!

For those os you who aren't in the know, my Girl Scout camp name is Cupcake.  Everyone has to have one, so you'd better come up with your own before someone else names you Princess Weenie or Blank (two people I have happily named!).  I chose Cupcake because in my senior year in High School, Mr. Umstatder asked us to put our names on the seating chart, and to put our nickname or what we would like him to call us underneath it.  Mike Ciaramella, who was sitting next to me, put Pete as his nickname, as he was (still is I am sure) a huge Pete Townsend fan.  (from The Who, for you young ones).  So, I thought I needed to come up with something creative, and seeing that my friends had many nicknames for me already (Bubbles, Miss Mary, Enema Mary, I could continue for a while here), I decided to take control of my nickname and give Mr. Umstatder something I would love for him to call me.  And POP!  Cupcake came to my mind.  Utterly bimbo-ish, sexy, sweet, and young, it had all the trappings of my personality as I wanted it.  So, poor Mr. Umstatder, who choked on his coffee when he read my nickname out loud, called me Cupcake all year long.  I think he liked me.  I loved him, he was a great teacher, even though he taught Chemistry and I was clueless.  But not as clueless as Pete who sat at my lab table and managed to clog the sink drain the very first week of class. 

So I came across this article about Cupcake Backlash, and I am quite offended.  Cupcakes were IT long before the Sex in the City sluts.  I am quite offended by the Harry Potter and Finding Nemo insult though.  I thoroughly enjoyed both of them and the person who made that comment can kiss my frosty pink cupcake ass.

Cupcake backlash

Posted Sep 6th 2008 3:00PM by Emily Matchar
Filed under: Dessert, Trends, Newspapers, America, Comfort Food, Food News

I must have read half a dozen articles in the past year which contained some sneery line about the women on Sex and the City bus tours of NYC standing outside Magnolia Bakery trying out Carrie Bradshaw's favorite cupcakes. High-end cupcakes were awesome a few years ago, the message goes, but now they're becoming a little....déclassé.

And now, a wave of imitators is spreading across the city; the Crumbs franchise is planning to open 40 shops in the next year. This leaves some to wonder whether cupcakes are the new Krispy Kreme - a beloved, slightly kitschy dessert raised to sugary highs by the media only to become overexposed and fall as flat as a punctured souffle.

Apparently there are already signs of a "cupcake backlash." Joel Stein, writing in Time, says cupcakes are "fake happiness, wrought in Wonka unfood colors. They appeal to the same unadventurous instincts that drive adults to read Harry Potter and watch Finding Nemo without a kid in the room."

I disagree. Taking something as humble as the cupcake and transforming it from cloying pink nastiness to something much more sophisticated and sublime seems to be part of the larger, positive foodie movement of reclaiming and elevating ordinary American foodstuffs - red velvet cake, mac and cheese, tuna noodle casserole.

growing up

I am proud to say that my sister in law has grown up, for real.  My brother and his family has had several difficult years, and they were all going down different paths and I did not think any of them would end up together, Father, Mother, Daughter and Son.  All going elsewhere.  But things happen, and my sister in law Lisa has taken life by the reins and is working her tail off to make her family a real one again.  She is amazing.  I "get" her much more than most other people, we are so much alike.  But she was much younger than I was when she got married and had kids, and she is doing things that make me so happy for her, because she has changed and grown as a woman, a person, a mother, and maybe even a wife (if wives actually need to or could grow!).  I have confidence that she will lead the family down the right path, and I am never, ever going to desert her again.  She would fit in well out here in Auburn with my friends.  She's a good egg.

point of view

I am tired of people cricizing one of the few heroes I've ever had.  As a child, I was devastated by the end of the Vietnam War, the way the soldiers were mistreated and the offensive way the hippies all acted.  I was 7.  Guess I was born a sock hop girl at heart. 

So as an adult, I discovered John McCain years ago.  I read an article about his being a POW in Vietnam, in the very Hanoi Hilton that idiot-Jane Fonda declared a palace for prisoners.  I have always hated Jane Fonda, I considered her an idiot by the time I was 11.  When McCain wrote a book (yes yes, WITH someone helping him write, God forbid anyone work WITH other people), I of course grabbed it up the very first day.  And I loved every moment of his book.  I find it difficult to believe that anyone could read Faith of My Fathers and not like John McCain.  He is not a bragger, or boastful in any way about himself.  Actually, he makes fun of himself and he points to so many of his mistakes and shortcomings as a person.  He admires others for being intelligent, patriotic, and strong, yet he fails to boast of those very things in himself. 

I would not call him a humble man, but perhaps one aware of humility. 

I love the fact that McCain stands up to anyone he feels is wrong, and that he admits it when he is wrong.  Unlike so many Americans today, he feels a sense of responsibility to his country, his fellow citizens, and his family.  So many people love to point and bitch and moan about the flaws in others, never admiting their own flaws, never putting a foot forward to support what is just instead of what they want. 

I don't care what any of my friends think about Republicans, or female Vice Presidents whose daughter is pregnant, or pro life or just about anything else.  I am voting for a real man, one who has survived our nation's past with dignity and strength, and one who faces our future wanting to work together instead of continuing to split us all apart.  You may not believe John McCain is capable of those things, but then again, you do not know John McCain.  Or you would never, ever doubt him.  He will make the world a better place if you only allow him the chance.  He has the IQ, the desire, and the wiseass attitude to get it all done.  I wish our own citizens would respect him as much as countless leaders and citizens of other countries do.  I wish people would learn to have faith in him, as he has in us.

Tags: McCain, republican, election, POW, patriot,

The Power of Mom

Mom came over today.  She originally came to see the garden in full bloom, although I mentioned that it was in full bloom a week ago, not now, and she pretty much told John she was there to help build the new carport. 

Here in Washington, the carport is more common than dogs and cats, although they are quite popular as well.  People need to keep their boats (mom and dad's boat), motorhome (mom and dad's motorhome) and spare cars (John's Mustang convertible) under cover from the green green spores and pollen and stuff (it really doesn't rain that much).  So, Mom and John worked for a long time on the carport, and I did whatever.  I ended up helping, but not much, and then I decided to clean out my garage.  SO exciting, but really, who isn't happy to get rid of a ton of stuff that clutters their house?  I made a quick trip to Goodwill, and now I am a few steps forward in the clutter department.  At any rate, we have a nearly completed carport, and John put together his fire pit and we had a fun campfire in the backyard.  It was really nice, nothing I ever did with my family growing up.  We have a good life.

that perfect smile

I just drove all the way across the city to the south end to try Pizza Paradize.  Despite the fact that the Z in Paradise is WRONG and annoyed me, I had to try it.  The PTA of my school is pushing me to use them for our Citizen of the Month lunch that I am in charge of presently.  Usually I just call Dominos, I could give a crap if they support pro life or not, I really like the fact that I can order it and it shows up. 

So, we get the pizza, spending 30 dollars on two SMALL pizzas.  And I must admit, the cheese is excellent, the best I've had outside the NY area.  The sauce is also most excellent, just the right flavor and just the right amount.  The dough, though, is a bit tough.  So tough, it seems, that it tore my tooth apart.  The entire front part of one of my top teeth just cracked and fell off.  Freaked me out, as that has never happened to me before.  Of course, my loving, sweet husband would now mention that I can no longer say it has never happened before.  He loves to point that out at awkward moments. I haven't slapped him.....yet. 

So I will spend the night feeling really weird without the front of my tooth (it looks weird too) and left a message for my awesome dentist who will call me at 6 am and tell me to come in right away.  I don't care, as long as he does something to it I will be quite happy.     But I am getting old, I never, ever thought I would have a tooth fall apart like that, unless I chewed on stones, of course.  I am quite sure that chewing on ice all the time has nothing to do with it.  But, I will not inform my dentist of that!!!

Maybe I'll just keep the half tooth through Halloween.  If only kids came down my pitch black ski slope dead end of a street, it would be worth the wait. 

Tags: teeth, aging, halloween, dentist, pizza

chicken

I have a friend who is obssessed with chicken.  He might let that obssession wane once in a while, but he always comes back to the same, annoying word.  Chicken.  He can't help it.  I cannot help but be annoyed and entertained by it as well.  I look at the chickens next door and think of my friend Anthony.  I wonder if he has ever seen a real chicken.  Once upon a time I would not be able to eat a chicken that I killed, but these days I am thinking I could easily chop off the head, chase around the body, and pluck it, cook it and eat it.  The Wild West is entering my blood. 

Chicken.  In some sick way, chicken will be the end of my friend.  Hopefully it will be me smothering him with a rubber chicken on his 98th birthday.  That would be fun.  A 101 year old crazy woman smothers her 98 year old buddy with a rubber chicken.  Oh the humanity!!!

ugly elections

I had to chat today with a guy who did not like the fact that I am a John McCain supporter.  He knows this from my facebook profile.  He seems to think that anyone who votes for John McCain is a brainwashed moron who eats the party line for breakfast.  How annoying is that.  VERY!  God forbid anyone have an opinion different from others, it's simply amazing.  I cannot argue with someone who dismisses everything McCain has done throughout his adult life without even knowing about it.  I don't know much about Obama's life, but I am learning.  I will still vote for McCain because he is my hero, yes, as a POW in Vietnam, yes, because he has a very high IQ, and yes, because he is a smart ass survivor who isn't afraid to say his friends are wrong.  You can't beat that for character.  Obama may be a good guy, he certainly seems like it, but he is more like Jimmy Carter to me, too inexperienced to be President, but one day will be fabulous, just like Carter was too naive back then and is wonderful now. 

Anyway, keep in mind that some people really do like some of the things that Bush has done.  I was against the war, but now that we are there we cannot leave.  And it's not the only thing Bush did in 8 years, though you wouldn't know that from the media.  It helps to read a lot and pay attention instead of listing the punch lines flying around today.

Tags: obama, mccain, election, idiot, bush, america, carter

I hate aol

I just typed out a very nice entry on Antigua and the murder of the honeymooning couple there.  That is where John and I went for our honeymoon.  And aol just blanked out and lost it.  PMO!!! 

books

By sheer luck I found a person who can make a comment about a book, about the meaning, the feeling, the soul of a book, and not offend me.  In fact, this person actually made my day.  It's very rare to find someone who can read a book and give a true comment that really gets to the heart of the story.  I am a complete book club snob, I know and understand what I read, sometimes I have to think about it a while, but I always get the author's meaning.  It's really nice to find someone with the same natural talent that I have, I think we are going to start trading books a lot.  At least I hope so.

I am so happy that I get to keep meeting people in my life that are, well, better than me.  And I think I'm an okay person, too, so better than me is very good.  I love my town and my life.

The Simple Life

Life is good to me.  Girl Scout day camp just ended today, Cub Scout day camp was over 2 weeks ago, and now we actually have a few free days to relax, or run around like crazy people.

My loving, hard working husband put a small above ground pool in our yard this week while we were all at camp.  That was after he brought me the things I forgot each morning.  One of the wonderful benefits of John is that he is fine with me spending all this time at camp volunteering.  He knows how much I enjoy helping out, and socializing!, and he never complains that I give so much of our time to these programs. 

I love what it does for my kids, but I also have found an amazing group of people in Scouts.  Of course, John knows this, his father was a Boy Scout and a Sea Scout, John is an Eagle Scout.  His family is rampant with the Scouting connection, and it's such a great thing.  I would do just about anything for my friends in Scouts, they are there for me when I need them, and I am there for them when they need me as well.  I'm not used to friends who follow through like that, it's a wonderful thing that happened to me out here on the West coast.  It is greener here, both in nature and in hearts, even the Boy Scouts seem to have the Girl Scout green blood running in their veins.  There's a song, a Christmas song, about God giving the Northwest a gift wrapped in green, the trees, the greenery that lives forever here.  I think somehow God wrapped lots of people here in green too, people are different here.  They're better, they remember what a neighborhood is, how we all care about each other and our kids.  I wouldn't trade Auburn for the world.  I just wonder if they all realize how good it is here, how good they are.  I think they appreciate life, as they do not complain.  But I think they really do know that they are so much more fortunate to have the love of family, the nurturing village, and the beauty of life that we have out here.  It really is amazing. 

the hard part

I am sitting here crying at this moment as my husband sits in the hot tub.  We had a disagreement.  My husband is a very kind, easygoing person who can deal with just about anything.  I cannot.  When someone shoves me verbally (or physically) I shove back twice as hard.  I always win, bitch of words that I am.  But I never win with my husband because he is of a different mind and one much nicer than I can ever become.  I cannot put up with insults and critisism from people who have no right to open their mouths without a comment on their lack of perspecitve.  I have had people tell me I am a horrible mother, that my children are evil, and that I should beat them and then they would behave.  That was all when they were 18 months to 3 years old.  A time when kids are known for being cooperative, right? 

No, I never hit my kids.  Yes, I screamed at them, and still do.  I love them and protect them beyond what is normal, yet I try to let them mature at a normal level with kids in their class.  I know lots of the kids because it really helps to understand your own child.  My parents always let me invite kids over and have parties, and it was the smartest move they ever made.  I had nothing to hide from my parents as long as they accepted my friends.  They were good parents, better than I expected, not as strict as I would be had I been in their place.  My children will not have the choice, but perhaps they will have less conflict in their teenage years.  If they do, well, I will be there for them. 

Once I had kids, there was no choice for me.  It was stay home and care for them no matter what.  I never would have thought that I would love children *my own and others* so much, but life is really really good with kids in it.

Brenda

I am thinking that John and I should buy a big piece of property in Auburn and open a dog daycare/boarding place.  We pay a small fortune for other people to play with our dogs while we are away, and we could easily do that for other people.  If we made Brenda move out here, she could be the groomer and head dog person, and she could meet all the damn soldiers on the planet with the military presence here.  She'd be in heaven.  And it's never that hot, which she hates.  I think she is insane for staying in NY.  She would love it out here. 

The whole reason I am thinking about this is I pick up and drop off a boy who's mom is a dog groomer at her house.  I take the boy to cub scout camp.  He has an earring, going into 5th grade.  He's really nice too.  And adopted.  Go figure.  He'll probably shoot up 60 people in a mall someday. 

 

ugh

Ugh.  I just wrote a really nice piece about Disney.  And then I accidently deleted it.  Idiot. 

 

my husband

My husband is funny.  He is usually a very laid back person, nothing rattles him.  But when we are going on vacation, he goes insane.  He packs way in advance and gets on my back about packing and getting things done.  I am much more lax (for once) about it and I always seem to make the flight so I do it last minute a lot.  It drives him nuts. 

We are going to Disney World.  My son is going to flip out when he discovers that Star War Days is going on at Disney Studios.  He knows every single thing about Star Wars, he's like a Star Wars encyclopedia.  I have to buy him an autograph book.  We haven't told him about the event yet because it will be too much fun to see him discover it when we arrive.  Plus, he would bug me about it endlessly if he knew in advance.  Chloe won't be very impressed but she's a good egg and will tolerate it. 

Tags: vacation, disney, star wars

ewwwww

My cat is licking herself in a gross manner.  I wish she would learn to do it in private, like she does with birds.  Angel catches a bird and runs inside, into the bathroom, shuts the door, and the games begin.  It always ends with a poof of feathers on the ground and not a trace of bird flesh or bone.  She is very neat about that. 

Tim Russert's funeral is today.  It is a sad loss simply because the man took such obvious joy in his life.  Unbridled enthusiasm is not all that common, and he was always uplifting to watch (which is pretty difficult when you are talking politics!)  God bless him.

Black on Black

I am totally pissed off right now.  I just read on AOL news that politcal historians and other experts have predicted a landslide in the upcoming election.  Of course, this election is not for 5 months, so to make such an extreme prediction is idiotic.  But that's not what really irriates me.  What irritates me is WHY they think we will have a landslide.  No, McCain will not win because Barack Obama is black.  Evidently we have all become okay with have black leaders.  That is a good thing. 

The sad thing is that they predict Barack Obama will win by a landslide for two reasons, voters do not like Bush (who is not running) and Obama is black.  Evidently black republicans of note, conservative republicans who are black, are feeling that they might have to vote for Barack Obama, whom they totally disagree with on all policies, simply because he is black.  John McCain, a man who has served our country for virtually his entire life (he was a military brat, that's payment as a kid for not having a life), cannot win because his predecessor is not popular, and McCain is not black. 

I am voting for McCain because I like a lot about him.  I like the fact that he was a POW who voluntarily stayed in Vietnam instead of jumping the line to go home before others because his dad was an Admiral in the Navy.  I admire the fact that he mouths off to his own party when he knows they are wrong, that he rats out all of the Senate and Congress for pork added into bills.  I like that fact that he has a tremendously high IQ.  And I like the fact that his wife went to visit Mother Teresa and came home with an adopted baby girl who needed surgery without asking him and he was just fine with that.  He didn't care what race the child was, she was their daughter and he became her dad.  You will not see him flaunting his dark skinned daughter in order to win a few votes from people who vote purely for race.

The thing is, whites have finally stopped voting for people because they are white, or promoting people because they are white.  Now it seems that white people are going to start losing elections and jobs simply because they are white.  That pisses me off.  I have spent my entire life learning about other people's cultures and supporting multicultural environments.  I do not want to see white people becoming better people while black people decide to retaliate for things that I and many others have never done. 

Many people will be shocked by my saying these things.  But I never liked or disliked anyone because of their race.  I never let it be an issue, and I do not want others to start that crap up again just as we are finally evening out the playing field.  Vote for the president because of his policies, not because of his skin color.  Get a brain, get a life.  I don't care who wins, as long as it's for what he stands for and what he can accomplish. 

Tags: McCain, Obama, election, black, white, landslide

All my friends are Democrats

All my friends are Democrats.  It makes me feel guilty, because I am an independent.  I always pay attention to politics, but I just can't sign on to one party.  Both parties provide scary candidates from time to time.  And I am not into extremes when it comes to politics.

This from a woman who, in her twenties, belonged to PETA and used to harass people who wore fur.  I hated George H W with a passion.  I joined 3 marches in Washington for Freedom of Choice.  I happily voted for Clinton.  Yet, still, I maintained my independent status.  I just couldn't commit. 

So, years later, a little older and not a bit wiser, I find that I have compassion for George H W and I can point to positive things he did as president.  I agree that Clinton and W. both have their faults, but I believe they did good things as well.  It seems that, instead of wisdom, middle age has brought me the ability to see things from both sides.  It's like that philosophy class I took at Bergen Community College when I was 19 has finally sunk in, I get it.  There are always two sides, but often there is a balance in the middle. 

I imagine that balance to be like the Wii Fit balance game with the marbles.  You stand on a virtual platform and have to move around to balance two marbles on your platform, trying to get them both to fall into the hole.  It's not an easy game, but if you are patient and take different angles, you can get them both in the hole.  I am hoping most people will do the same with politics, maybe we can all find a way to balance our desires and end up in the hole at the same time.  That is a winning game. 

Tags: politics, democrats, Bush, Clinton, balance, Independent

I created SPAM!!!

Ok, Katie, my beloved Freshman resident when I was a Resident Assistant at Pace University (who the heck was insane enough to make ME an RA!), sent me this SPAM email, saying that I must have written it.  The sad thing is, I didn't write it, I CREATED nearly every single item of death and grossness when I was between the ages of 3 and 9.  I am like Al Gore, I created SPAM!!  I have commented within the spam below for your nightmares and for my enjoyment of the reminders of my childhood. 

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.  I actually do not consider them educational, I consider them very dated news.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.  I started doing this when my mom dropped us off each week at the Hawthorne Theater for the Disney movie that cost 75 cents.  The candy and soda was expensive, at least 50 cents each!  I always thought public bathrooms were full of death and disease.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.  Ok, as a kid, I did not know what they were doing.  But again, I considered all hotel rooms grossly filthy.  Now, I DO know what they were doing!!!  EEEWWWWW

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.  Even as a child I thought there was body fluids and such on the bedspread.  It never was allowed to touch my body. 

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs, including feces.  Ok, I admit it, this one I did not know about.  I love lemon in my tea and lime in my beverage.  I will have to scrub the crap out of them now.  or just peel them.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).  I do not care if you pick your nose, I just wash my hands.

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.   Uh, Little Debbie was the name of my cousin who died of leukemia before I was born.  I think of dead babies when I think of Little Debbie, so I could give a crap about trans-fats.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck! Yeah, I think about this when I hold my purse in my teeth as I pee with my butt in the air when I am at the movie theater.  It's just gross.  I don't like to touch anything in there.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.   I have been wary of envelope glue ever since George's fiance died from licking envelopes.  I lick them, and I wait to see if I will die.  So far, I don't think I have.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.  NOW?  I have ALWAYS done that, even when we didn't have pop tops, but the fun things that came off and you could make belts and stuff out of them. Cans are filthy.  I have known that since, what, cans were invented????

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.  this is completely not me.  I have always been able to smell a lie even before the internet.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.  again, it smelled like poo from the first time I received that one.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.  The person who typed this email spelled Saint Teresa's name wrong and is going to Hell for the inaccuracy.  Ido not worry about my soul, I only worry about how bad Hell will be when I die.  I have to go say the Our Father and Hail Mary for the next hour now....

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.  Like I care.  I do not eat KFC.  It's stupid.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.  forget about it.  I use deodorant/antipersperant because I would rather take a chance rather than smell nasty and be all grossly wet in my pits.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.  I hate that I have to forward all chain mail.  But I cannot NOT send it, because I am superstitious and there's no changing that.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.  I drink Diet Coke.  They never said that removes any stains. 

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.  Yeah, my entire life has been avoiding serial killers and madmen attacking at any moment.  I just lock my car door while I am filling the tank.  I kid you not.  I always have.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.  Sorry, snopes.com.  I smelled a rat.  The Dr. Pepper Guy from my childhood would never refuse God.  I'm a Pepper, You're a Pepper, Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?  Be a Pepper, Drink Dr. Pepper.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.  I stopped using Saran Wrap because I am cheap and the food gets too hot that way.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.  I've never really had to worry about that one, I always stood very far away from the microwave while it's running.  DEATH in a box. 

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.  Yeah, as a kid, before AIDS, I figured there were spiders in there.  Or other gross stuff.  I used a pay phone today, forgot my cell.  Cost me a fortune to make a local call.  I did not look for change!!! 

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.  Actually, I avoid malls and high schools because I expect a kid with guns to come in and blow everyone away.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.  I have always suspected the delivery guys, even before Al Quaeda.  They really are......something.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.  Another snopes.com thing, smelled the rat and I like Target too much to not look into it.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan  I just don't anwer the phone because I am having sex with John.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.  Yeah, like I actually bake.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.  OK, I must have been 2 the first time I knew a spider or a snake or the Devil would grab me and suck me into the toilet.  For me, I just can't use a toilet in the dark, even now.  I am not afraid of your toilet, as long as you have electricity.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to gra b my leg.  I think I invented the person under my car thing.  I have checked that since I was 17.  I just wait to bite their finger off if I get the chance.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!  The only problem I had with gas was the sniper issue when I lived in Maryland.  I still flinch when I get gas, waiting for the bullet.

Have a wonderful day...because I never will

Oh, by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[the gene pool could use a little chlorine!]  Is there anything better in life than chlorine and bleach!

Ashes to Ashes

I saw my Father in Law the other day.  It was interesting, because he is dead. 

I think about him all the time, John's parents have basically been our best friends for 4 years.  And then his father died.  I have always been accepting of death, especially when it's a 79 year old man.  But Tom Wilson was different.  I did not get to spend enough time with him and I was not ready for him to leave us.  He did not want to leave, he fought hard until the end.  He cheated Death for many years, he took every sucker punch God threw at him and he kept going.  

So, lest you become frightened that I am seeing ghosts again, John and his Mom, Joan, played golf the other day.  I, being a crippled gimp, drove the golf cart that Dad usually drove.  It is good to play golf, Mom loves it and so do John and I, but I cannot play and for the first time ever, I must drive the golf cart that Dad drove due to his missing leg.  I think about him the entire time, I miss him and the golf cart just makes it so much more vacant as I am not sitting next to him, cheating by sneaking a ride and having a laugh with Dad.  He was such an incredible man, and my husband is definitely his son to the tee. 

So, seeing Dad.  After golf, we took Mom home.  We sat and chatted a while, as we had to stop by Joanne's (John's sister) school on the way home and get the paperwork for her school to take the safety patrol to Wild Waves, which is by us.  Mom started talking about Dad, she is not a cryer, she just talked about Colorado, and all the nice things, and then she said that she should have not allowed the open heart surgery and brought him home instead for the surgery.  Then she asked if we wanted to see him.  John, being John, looked at Mom and I like we were alieans.  Then I put my two cents in.  "yes"  I wanted to see him.  So she went into the bedroom, and took him out of the dresser.  He has his own drawer.  and she brought the black box out.  She asked if we wanted to hold it to feel how heavy it was, and John gave the look again.  I said yes, and she passed the box to John, who passed it to me.  John handled it so delicately, and Mom pretty much flopped it around.  So, I flipped and flopped Dad's box, and stated that he felt like a box of really heavy cake mix.  He would have liked that.  Mom said maybe he was not alone in there, maybe someone else's ashes was in there with him.  He would like that too!  Tom Wilson loved to talk to people. 

At this point, John was in a panic, he thought ashes were going to fall out of the box, which had a small opening to slide out the drawer.  I told him that Dad felt like a box of cake mix because he must be in a bag.  So, we all debated opening the box and looking at Dad, and both John and Mom thought that was weird.  I, of course, said I would like to see him.  But John ended up pulling open the drawer and looking, and I did not want to intrude.  So I only saw Dad's box, and flopped him around a bit.  But I was glad I got to see his box, and feel him in a way.  I  miss him. 

I consider myself fortunate to be 43 years old and to truly feel a loss of life for the very first time.  I have known many people who died, but I have never felt like this before.  The only comparison is September 11th.  I refused to accept that the World Trade Center Towers had fallen.  It was just the top floors, they were too large, too strong to collapse.  When the smoke cleared, I fully expected to see the buildings minus the top floors.  And that never happened.  The Orkin Man can verify this because I dragged him into my house and we sat there crying for hours.  I never even knew his name. But that is what I feel with losing John's Dad.  I feel that the skyline will always be missing those grand buildings, for he was a skyline unto himself.  He was larger than life, a friend told me.  She cried about his death and she had only met him once.  But he had made himself eternal to her, as he had to so many people.  I just wish I had more time with him. 

train tracks

Ok.  I admit it.  I grew up next to the train tracks.  I know that is a supposedly a bad thing, but I am really thinking my life in Glen Rock (twist, twist) taught me more common sense than I realized. 

The news a few nights ago had yet another story about a person who was walking, talking on a cell phone, and got run over by a train.  How the Hell do you NOT see the train tracks?  You know I do, and not only do I see them, but every time I cross them, in car, or or feet, or even on a bus (especially on a bus) I expect to look up and see a massive engine barreling down on me. 

I used to think this was paranoid behavior, but I realize now that it is not.  I have walked the tracks, crossed the tracks, and survived.  And it did not take much sense at ALL.  Hello, LOOK when you are anywhere near train tracks.  They are easily noticable, big metal lines and gates going down a nd red flashing lights too.  Hard to miss.

Of course, if you walk on the tracks as though you were a train, you are a sitting duck.  You simply cannot hear the train barreling down on you, and when you do hear it, you are about 10 feet away.  It happened to me once.  And I got lucky, as I threw myself and my friend over into the rocky pit and we were a bit scuffed up but we were not flat as a board.  First time Sue was thankful for that!  (yes, she was flat)  (she still is)

So, if you are listening to your iPod or MP3 player or talking on your cell phone or texting on your Crackberry, please remember that you are not alone in the world, that there are trucks, trains, cars, bears, cougars, endless ways to die when you do not know what is lurking behind you. 

Sometimes I am thinking I am not so paranoid.

some did die

So, new ways to die actually was true.  Scores of people raced out to the rivers last weekend during the "heat" wave (85 degrees with no humidity!) and John spent all day Saturday pulling people out of the river who were in danger.  Of course, there were a few dopey ones who swam to an island and refused to swim back because the water was too cold.  DUH. 

It was all over the news, endless reminders and warnings that the rivers are full of RAPID ICE MELT, which is REALLY COLD and DANGEROUS.  So you would think that people would wear life preservers just to make sure, but no, lots of them did not.  One kayaker was experienced and wearing a life jacket, and he is toast.  It's a shame, but it's not like we all weren't warned three thousand times on TV and radio not to go jump in the river.  I did not jump in the river, and I made it through the weekend without using up all my deodorant.  And voila!  I am alive! 

Smelly and alive is better than death, because you very rarely smell good when you are dead.  Or so I've heard.

Of course, now my smart mouth is going to be run over by a Mack Truck for being so smug.  Or else God will be really kind and just let me live a long life before He sends me Straight to Hell. 

New Ways to Die

New Ways To Die!  Is that not exciting or what?  I am watching the news, and we have been told about 6 billion times in the past few days that a massive heat wave is coming our way.  It could even get close to 90 degrees!  GASP! 

But, no worries, we will not die of the heat.  We will die from the COLD in the heat.  That's the Pacific Northwest for ya.  See, people here like to jump in the rivers and lakes when it's hot out.  The only problem is that the water is FREEZING all summer long.  But people who grow up here are tough, they can take the ice water even though they barely know how to swim.  So, summer is a big swift water rescue time.  And unswift water rescue, for those who jump in lakes and really do not know how to swim that well, especially among the icebergs.  We take the boat out on Lake Washington in summer, and I am forced to swim in it's freezing waters.  I stay on the top 1 foot of the water, floating, feeling like I am sliding on a sheet of ice.  Those who went to college with me know that I despise cold water.  A LOT. 

On the brighter side, people like to tube down the rivers here.  But the snow melt this heat wave will raise the rivers quite high and make them more dangerous.  I learned today about two new ways to drown, the "Strainer" and the "Undercut Rock".  While you are joyfully tubing your frozen butt down the river, you can float into vegetation and dreaded shrubbery that is newly covered by snow melt river water.  You get stuck.  You turn into a Strainer (we call it a Collander on the East Coast).  And you drown.  Yay!  The undercut rock is a big rock, which there are tons of out here, under the water that has a ledge you can float into and under.  And you drown.  In the cold water, because it is never above 50 degrees. 

They say a really good way to stay safe is to throw a stick in the river, and if it is faster than you can walk, the current is dangerous and too strong for human activity.  Although I like to play Pooh Sticks with my kids (throw sticks in the river, run to the other side of the bridge to see who's floats out first, they win.  Winnie the Pooh.  It's awesome), I have no intentions of actually TOUCHING the freezing water.  It's all glacier melt here, and icey water is just not my thing. 

Frankly, Ihave the best way to stay safe out here.  Do not go in the water!  AT ALL.  And if you cannot swim well, you should stay out of the hot tubs too, because you never know when a Tsunami will hit. 

God has a sick sense of humor

Once upon a time in New York City, Brenda and Anthony and I went to see a comedy show at Caroline's Comedy Club.  Actually, we went several times to Caroline's, but one sticks out in my mind this evening.

We saw Paul Provenski or something like that.  He was HILARIOUS.  He was talking about God, and we three Catholics were laughing our asses off while praying we weren't going to Hell.  Ok, only I was thinking about Hell, Anthony and Brenda probably weren't.  They were having a good time, like normal people would.  Me, laughing while my hands shake as I admit in my mind that I am going straight to Hell for this one day.  Normal for me, abnormal for most others.

So, this guy in the front row is telling Paul that he is going to Hell for joking about God.  And Paul is laughing, and finally says, "No, I am not going to Hell.  Because MY God has a sense of humor and He thinks that I am really fuckin' funny!".  At this point I nearly peed my pants laughing, all the while praying that yes, God does thing Paulie is really effing funny.  Because then I will be excused for laughing my ass off when I get to the Pearly Gates.  IF I get that far, that is.

Why do I fondly recall the gentle moments of my 20's, you ask?  Well, because last night my daughter, who is 11, came out of her bedroom around 10:30 at night when she is supposed to be asleep.  And she says she can't sleep.  I yell at her and tell her to go to bed, as I have the most severe heartburn and indigestion I've had in decades and I want to be left alone.  So John goes into Chloe's room to see what the problem is, and she is crying and they talk.  Withing 50 seconds, John is back in the living room and says that I need to go to talk to Chloe no matter how bad I feel.  WHY?  Well, evidently, John tells me, Chloe is afraid she is going to give birth to a baby tonight.  Ooooookaaaay.  So, I drag my not feeling well butt into Chloe's room, and ask her WHY in the world she thinks that she is going to give birth tonight.  She says she heard that an 8 year old girl can get pregnant (NO idea where she heard that one) and she is afraid she is pregnant and oooohhh boy am I thinking, God is giving it to me now.  First, he gives me children who cannot talk, and I talk more in a week than the average person does in a year.  I think, hmmm, God is cute, He has a sense of humor.  Now, I am thinking, God is giving me paybacks for every damn joke old Paulie told that night. 

So, I explain to Chloe all about how you get pregnant and what to do if anyone wants to have sex (JUST SAY NO and tell me so I can kill him) and she calms down.  So, tonight, she comes around close to 10pm.  She can't sleep.  She is concerned because she is afraid the sun is going to explode and annihilate Earth.  Oh My God.  Do you know how many times I have worried about that??!!!  Pretty much every time I read the damn info on it.  Black holes too, they drive me nuts, so I have to put it out of my mind. 

So, God started out having a bit of fun by pointing out that I talk WAY too much, and now He is just plain old torturing me by making my child as obsessive about death around every corner as I am.  NOT FAIR.  I should not have to ever explain to anyone why something terrible is NOT going to happen.  I've been doing the opposite my entire life.  It's just not right. 

SO.  Now I will go to Hell unless I find a way to make my child NOT like me.  NOT FAIR.  You know why?  Because I am going to Hell anyway.  Mostly because I am hoping all the born agains are right and Jesus is going to take them all away and leave us all behind.  Imagine how nice the world would be without people trying to convert you all the time.  I hope Jesus takes the Mormon boys who try to convert you too.  And the Jehovah's, even if they only think 144,000 will go with Jesus.  I think Jesus would not be so cruel to those he leaves behind.  Take 'em all!  Leave the Catholics and the Jews and the normal Protestants behind, take everyone else with you.  Oh, the Hindus are good, and the Buddhists.  Anyone not involved in suicide bombing or ringing doorbells for Jesus is peachy in my book.  Even if I despise peach flavor, right Debbie?!

You all have a good day, because you know I never will.  And that's the way it is.

why PT sucks

Anthony would like to know WHY Physical Therapy sucks.  I guess it starts with the fact that they tell you not to shave your legs before the operation, and so you have withstand the humiliation of a guy (and then a girl) touching your hairy hairy leg.  As if that were not bad enough, they have to touch the other leg too, in order to see how the muscle is on that side compared to the other.  I didn't shave that one because it would have felt weird having one hairy leg and one non hairy one.    They don't want you to shave as you could cut yourself and there are no cuts allowed before surgery because you could get an infection.  In the operating room.  Where it is supposed to be STERILE. 

So, being paranoid about death by infection, I did not shave my legs for a good week before surgery.  Then, they operate.  And they stick my legs, BOTH of them, in these tight stockings and tell me not to bathe or take them off for a week and a day until my next appointment with the surgeon.  So, I have hairy legs to prevent sterile infection, and now I have stockings to prevent....what?  Oh, they say, to fend off BLOOD CLOTS.  Isn't that what David Bloom died from?  And so now I have to worry about infections AND blood clots?  What????   They did not tell me that BEFORE they shot me up and and knocked me out.  Bastards.

So, the first 3 days, I must admit, were a blur and I did not have a problem not bathing.  Then, as some of the drugs began to wear off and the severe knee pain started, I decided that I smelled really bad.  I guess my sense of smell started working again too.  So, I did an interesting straddling the tub thing in the kids' bathroom, took off the un-operated leg's stocking, and used a hand shower thingie to wash everything but my recovering leg.  To ensure no contact with water or various infectious bacteria, I wrapped my leg in 40 yards of cellophane and duct taped it all over.  It worked, the leg stayed dry.  I washed my hair and various other things, and towel dried and then proceeded to remove the duct tape and cellophane.  It took me about an hour, but the oxycodone might have made it seem like a lot less time, and it could have taken me 3 hours.  I like oxycodone, combined with prozac it made for a really good time.  Of course, I don't remember it, but I do recall feeling nothing at times, and that was happy. 

SO, after two weeks and a day without shaving, I go to the surgeon and find out that the physical therapist guy gets to see me first.  He cuts off the bandages, and sees the massive hair growth on my leg.  DAMN.  He is young too, so I was very embarassed, but I acted like I didn't notice or care.  So did he.  Then the surgeon gets to see the hair, and they are all running their hands on my damn hairy leg, the surgeon, the PT guy, the assistant surgeon, and the intern.  Ok, the intern didn't touch me, but he saw the hair.  Poor kid, he may quit med school because of me.   Too bad I couldn't pull out a 14 foot long ingrown hair to really freak him out like I used to do to Brenda in college.  Those were the good days. 

BUT, what also sucks about Physical Therapy is that my damn knee, which had pretty much stopped hurting, now KILLS because I am doing the damn exercises that they have told me to do.  Of course, they told me to do it AFTER they yelled at me for not using my crutches, and the female PT here yelled at me because I stopped using my leg brace too.  The brace just falls down all the time, it's useless.  I just walk carefully, that ought to be good enough.  

So, hairy legs, yelling, and, finally, knee cap pain.  That is PT.  I don't think I like them very much.  I get a stationary bike on Sunday, so I got a great book out of the library to read while I cycle, The War History of Afghanistan.  I should fall asleep after about 2 rotations.  Maybe I will take the oxycodone beforehand and I can really enjoy the whole experience! 

 

Tags: PT, physical therapy, pain, hairy legs, Anthony, oxycodone

PT

Physical Therapy sucks. 

That is all I have to say about that.

So many days, so many ways...TO DIE

Yes, I really do think about these things and worry constantly about them!

 

The Odds of Dying in ...
· Motor vehicle: 1-in-84
· Motorcyle: 1-in-938
· Bicycle: 1-in-4,472
· Air travel: 1-in-5,552
· Bus: 1-in-94,242
· Train: 1-in-139,617

 

The Odds You'll ...
· Be a Victim of ID Theft: 1-in-465
· Have an adverse reaction to a prescription drug: 1-in-3,000
· Be sued by the RIAA for illegal filesharing: 1-in-4,666
· Be wrongly declared dead by a Social Security data entry mistake:
1-in-23,483
· Die from a food-borne illness this year: 1-in-33,333

The Odds of dying in a ...
· Flood: 1-in-30,000
· Tornado: 1-in-60,000
· Lightning strike: 1-in-83,930
· Earthquake: 1-in-131,890
· Asteroid impact: 1-in-200,000*
· Tsunami: 1-in-500,000

The Odds of Injury Requiring Medical Treatment From:
· Lyme's disease: 1-in-18,100
· Snake bite: 1-in-25,300
· West Nile: 1-in-68,500
· Shark attack: 1-in-6,000,000

The Odds of Being a Victim of ...
· Assault by Firearm*: 1-in-325
· Poisoning*: 1-in-1,400
· Murder this year: 1-in-16,917
· Strangulation*: 1-in-34,424

The Odds of Drowning in ...
· Natural water: 1-in-2,828
· Swimming pool: 1-in-6,031
· Bath tub: 1-in-9,377

The Odds of Dying From ...
· Heart disease: 1-in-438
· Cancer this year: 1-in-600
· Staph infection: 1-in-16,146
· Measles: 1-in-300,000,000

The Odds ...
· Your child will be involved in a school bus accident this year: 1-in-29,180
· Your baby will be delivered by
c-section this year: 1-in-3
· You cannot find Iraq on a map, if you are between age 18 to 24: 2-in-3
· You will have a car crash within the first year of driving (if you are 16 years old): 1-in-5

The Odds of Believing ...
· That it's better to be poor and thin, than rich and fat: 2-in-3*
· You are "extremely stressed": 1-in-3
· That the best way to get rich is to win the lottery: 1-in-5
· Your tattoo was a mistake**: 1-in-7
· You saw a UFO: 1-in-7

The Odds of Winning Jackpot in ...
· Slot machines: 1-in-16,777,216
· Calif. SuperLotto: 1-in-41,416,353
· Powerball: 1-in-146,107,962
· Mega Millions: 1-in-175,711,536

The Odds of ...
· Dating a millionaire: 215-to-1
· Writing NYTimes bestseller: 220-to-1
· Finding four-leaf clover on 1st try: 10,000-to-1
· Getting Rich on 'Antiques Roadshow': 60,000-to-1
· Dating a supermodel: 88,000-to-1